#bryce would rock them so well you have no idea

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

what winter shoes the main cast of open heart would wear with no explanation

from your local hyperfixated shoe store employee

(summer version here)

sienna - bearpaw super shorty in mushroom

jackie - birkenstock boston shearling suede leather in black

elijah - classic lined crocs in white

aurora - nike air force 1 shadow in grey/bone white

bryce - UGG tazz in chestnut

ethan - north face thermoball traction mule v in black

raf - dr martens bonny poly boot

jensen - rocket dog heyday platform boot in black

[stupid-fucking-storm]

Watched Cinderella’s Castle and had a very underwhelming experience. Review and LONGGG rant under the cut.

Minor spoilers.

First of all, I thought the pacing was really, really bad. I also thought the tone of the story was really weird??

Obviously it’s Starkid, they love putting things in odd tones, but there was not one song or moment that really made me feel anything for these characters. In fact, the most I felt for any of them was Lauren’s throwaway cousin character, who was killed pretty much immediately.

This was not at all the fault of the performers, who were doing The Most with the script they were given. Performance-wise, in fact, it was very good. Aside from Jeff Blim, who honestly made me completely dislike him due to this show. I’m sure he’s a fine guy, but he constantly writes music for his falsetto which he seems very proud of but is …never… on pitch. I’ve grown increasingly bored with his score and lyric writing through Nightmare Time and this show was the embodiment of that.

The absolute worst part of the show was the incessant background music—something they carried over from Nightmare Time as if we enjoyed that. I certainly didn’t, it made Nightmare Time a tough watch for me. Plunky little notes like synth improv, absolutely separate in tone from the dialogue, plague every scene. This is especially bad in the second act to the point that I actively stopped trying to understand or care about the scene because the background music was suggesting that I shouldn’t. Keep in mind this was during what I think was an important exchange between Bryce and Curt’s characters. Honestly, I could not tell you. I don’t watch musicals with subtitles on so I can be surprised by dialogue and make it more akin to watching the performance live. This was a mistake. This was a long stretch of dialogue, too, completely nullified by the dumb background music. I mean, think Nightmare Time improv synth but with none of the recognizable motifs. That’s what it was. For almost the entire show.

As I mentioned, the music was again by Jeff Blim. I was worried when this was announced because of how boring, same, and uninspired his stuff has become, but I wanted to give it a chance. When it was announced as a pop rock musical, I got more pessimistic. I was unfortunately correct.

There are about 2 songs that I enjoyed, and one that was very good for the first 15ish seconds. Almost every song’s tone was completely wrong for the scene/what they were conveying. And not in a fun, we’re-doing-something-unconventional way, which Starkid has done really well in the past.

Angela fucking killed as the stepmother, but her singing range is very limited. Everyone knows this and that’s fine!! I’m begging Jeff to stop writing music for her that’s outside of her range. It’s not like they didn’t know who they would cast. I think it’s been stated that Starkid still have to audition for their roles, but with such a small cast I’m sure Nick/Jeff/Matt have an idea when they’re writing.

Mariah and Lauren did great performances as the stepsisters. I wasn’t expecting Lauren’s elf voice and thought that was a little off the mark. She still slayed, it’s Lauren.

The problem is, these characters had so little depth that none of them really had an arc at all. There was not much for the actors to do or build on to make me care about them. Let me be crystal clear: I LOVE STARKID. Fucking love it. Even I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone’s character in this show but Lauren’s throwaway character and Angela’s villain—and probably mostly because I’ve grown very fond of Angela’s acting and performance recently on Smosh.

I’m not saying anyone did a bad job. They did their best with what they had. My issue is entirely with the writing, the music writing particularly, and the pacing, which was god-awful.

Now, the puppets.

This was the part of the show I was most excited for. Starkid hasn’t done puppets for a while! And I loved the Starship puppets! Horror/weird looking puppets?? Sign me up!

Unfortunately, this also left a lot to be desired. I enjoyed the puppet for Crumb and the frog, and Joey is an especially EXCELLENT puppet actor. But the troll puppets were really lack-luster. Seeing the actresses so clearly beneath them, still in their elegant dresses when they were supposed to be fully these ugly monsters, was very immersion-breaking. Even attaching a dark cloth to them to hide their bodies and a screen over their faces would have done A LOT. This was really disappointing. So was the weird voice effect on Angela’s troll. Only because she was already doing a voice, and it was delayed just long enough for it to be jarring and disrupt my ability to follow what she was saying. (Fyi, I do not have any sort of processing disability or disorder.) Still, her performance was really great and I’m happy to see her in a main role.

I didn’t find James’ character charming or funny, which may be an acting thing or may be a writing thing, I’m not sure. I’ve never been a huge fan of his, and I found his interpretation of the character to be pretty bland and literal. I would have liked to see some hints of a real person under all the crude jokes the prince makes—but this is likely due to writing issues/tone issues.

Curt was great, there was not a lot for him to do. Kim SLAYYYYYYYED her song and it was the only one I really liked. But she did not act in this show and was really underutilized, as probably the most vocally talented person in the cast. JLB was not in this show, which I didn’t realize and was saddened by. I think she would have brought a great energy to it. Jon’s performance was sweet and he was obviously having a good time. Let the man sing more often. Bryce slayyyed the vocals but the acting was ehhh. Again, not a lot of depth. Her whole thing felt really rushed due to writing and pacing. The fact that I can’t remember if anyone else was even in this, without looking, is a little sad.

Overall I’m very disappointed. The tone, pacing, and background score were quite bad. The set design, music, and characterization was bland. The costume design was good—I found myself commenting on the outfits frequently. Some of the puppets were good, others confusing. After watching it, I’m really, really not excited about “The Lands That Are” and am terrified for another Hatchetfield wearing out its welcome.

In conclusion: To watch this for $15 is fine but I’m certainly glad I did not fly to see this in person, which I had considered doing. I will always support Starkid, but if they keep hiring Jeff for the music, I am going to continue the decline in passion I have for it, which started when Nightmare Time did. I’m hoping that they’re able to mix the background music to non-existent or extremely quiet in the YouTube version after enough feedback, and that the next musical is more inspired and—GOD—not fucking pop rock again.

[breella]

Please

Tristan Flynn x reader

Smut

Minors DO NOT ENTER 18+

Warnings: sex, oral sex, dirt talk (if you see anything else let me know)

A/N: smut is clearly not my strong suit. I need this man to be real though. The way him and Ruhn have me in a chokehold lately is unhealthy. 🤤

Tristan and the reader have had a flirtatious relationship for a while. There has been lots of sexual tension. They finally do something about it.

The music was so loud you could hardly hear your thoughts. It was a typical night at the frat pack’s house. People were packed in, alcohol was flowing, and mirthroot was being passed around.

You had been dancing with Bryce but she decided to leave. After telling her goodbye you decided to go find the rest of your friends. You found Ruhn, Flynn, and Ithan on the couch. All the seats were taken so you plopped down on Flynn’s lap. Saying you had a crush on him would be a huge understatement. The two of you had an interesting relationship. You were always flirting with each other and teasing one another. There have been times where one or both of you pushed the bounds of your relationship as well. The most recent example of this being when they two of you made out in the back of Ruhn’s car while you waited for everyone at the White Raven a couple weeks ago. Despite this you still didn’t believe Flynn felt the same way about you. You were both wasted when you made out in Ruhn’s car and he was flirtatious with everyone.

You snuggled further into Flynn’s lap and rested your head in his shoulder. It was past 1 am and you were tired.

“Where have you been, baby girl? I thought you left” he asked as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

“I was dancing with Bryce but she abandoned me” you sighed.

“Well you look hot” He chuckled and started tracing the pattern of your lace tights on your thighs. You didn’t usually wear clothes this revealing. You had to admit you looked good though. Bryce had helped you get ready, teasing you that she was going to get you laid tonight. You were wearing heels, lace tights, and a short red backless dress. Your hair was curled and your makeup was perfect.

“You look pretty hot yourself, Flynn” you giggled.

He went back to his conversation with his friends. Still absentmindedly rubbing your thighs. You tried to participate in the conversation but it was hard to stay focused with his hands on you. Your mind kept wandering to other places you wanted those hands to go. You were pressing your thighs together and trying not to show the effect he was having on you.

You nuzzled your face into his neck and inhaled his sent. You could never get enough of this male. You began running your fingers through his hair. He was still in the middle of a conversation with the people around him but you had no idea what they were talking about at this point. You stilled as he shifted you in his lap. You could have sworn you felt something hard beneath you. His fingers began tracing the lace on your thighs again. This time dangerously higher. He would trail them up under the hem of dress. Making slow agonizing motions.

You began softly nibbling on his neck. Two could play this game and you were determined to win tonight. “You’re gonna have to stop that, sweetheart” he practically groaned in your ear. That was definitely something hard you felt underneath you. You pushed yourself down harder on him and rocked your hips a little. You didn’t care that there were people all around.

“I could help you with that” you whispered in his ear. Still rocking your hips against him.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean” he growled.

“I do mean it though” you whispered as you reached down to palm him through his jeans.

With that he was suddenly lifting you into the air. Your legs wrapped around his waist and his hands grabbed your ass to support you. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this” he practically moaned into your ear. You were aware of the stares you were receiving but you didn’t care. You faintly heard Ruhn yell “It’s about damn time” in the background.

As soon as Tristan got you to his room he slammed the door shut and pushed you against the wall. His lips found your neck instantly and your hands tangled in his hair. You let out a small moan as he bit your neck. His hands were roaming over your hips. Your dress has been pushed up to your waist. You needed more so you ground yourself against him trying to find any sort of friction.

He moved from against the wall to let you down. His hands are immediately tugging the zipper of your dress down. You let it fall off your shoulders and down your legs. You felt slightly self conscious standing in front of him in nothing but those lace tights. You subconsciously moved your arms up to cover your breasts. “Don’t you dare cover yourself up” he scolds, “you’re fucking perfect.”

You move your fingers under the band of your tights and make a show of removing them slowly for him. He is practically drooling by the time your done. His hands are immediately on you when you get them off. He kisses you roughly as his hand explore your body. One groping a breast while the other runs up and down your back. You moan into his mouth. This is exactly what you’ve wanted for years. You can’t believe it’s finally happening. He kneels down in front the bed. His face. Dangerously close to where you need him the most. He roughly grips your hips and pulls you closer to him. Your legs instinctively fall open.

“Already so wet for me and I haven’t even touched you yet” he smirks. You can feel his breath on your center and the anticipation is driving you wild.

“Please” you whine and move your hips trying to get him where you need him.

His hands push done on your hips holding you in place so you can no longer move. “Patience, baby girl. I’ve been waiting on this moment for a long time. I’m going to take my time and enjoy it.” He finally moved closer and licked up your center. He had barely done anything and you were already throwing your head back and moaning. “You taste better than I could have ever imagined” he said before flicking his tongue over your clit. He was absolutely relentless. He flicked and sucked on your clit like his life depended on it. Both of your hands were in his hair pulling his face even closer. He pumped 1 finger in and out of you while still attacking your clit. You were already so close to orgasming. He added another finger and quickened his pace. That was enough to push you over the edge. He kept up the pace with his fingers and mouth as you rode out your high.

“That was amazing” you said when you were finally capable of forming words again. It was even better than all the fantasies you’ve had of this exact moment. You raised up and went to unbutton his pants. You quickly pulled them down along with his boxers. Your mouth watered at the sight of him, eager to repay the favor. You stroked him a couple times before positioning yourself to where you could take him in your mouth.

Right before you could wrap your lips around the tip he grabbed your face with his hand and pulled you away. “Save that for another time. I need to be inside of you” he said. “On your hands and knees.” You wasted no time obeying him. Your stomach was doing flip flops in anticipation. “Good girl. I have to say you look spectacular from this angle.” Heat suddenly rose to your cheeks. You were all too aware of just how exposed you were to him now. Face down, ass up. Your thoughts were cut short when you felt him rubbing himself against your entrance. You pushed back against him trying to get him inside of you. “You’re sure about this?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” With that he pushed himself fully inside you. He gave you no time to adjust to his size as he set a brutal pace. The stretch felt amazing. Nothing had ever felt better. His hand grabbed your hair and pulled you up so that your back was flush with his chest. His other hand reached around to pull and twist your nipples. He continued fucking into you rough and hard. You were a moaning mess already beginning to feel that coil in your stomach.

He pushed you back down to your original position and groped your ass before smacking it hard. This caused you to clench around him and whimper. “Fuck. You’re doing so good for me baby.”

You were so close. You could feel your walls clenching around him. You could tell he was also close from the sounds he was making and the way he was pushing into you. He snaked his arm around your waist and began rubbing circles around your clit. Less than a minute later and you were coming undone again. He followed right a long with you. Both of you laid on his bed panting for a few minutes. This was by far the best sex you had ever had. You laid your head on his chest and just admired the male holding you for a few minutes.

“We should get cleaned up” you sighed.

“Round 2 in the shower?” he smirked.

“Please” you replied.

[analyzer-r]

THE ROCK

"Music, it's the only thing we take seriously"

It's the dawn of the new year, and with that said, this will be the blog's final entry- so I want to end things on a bang!

This is The Rock, a New Zealand commercial radio station owned by MediaWorks New Zealand. Their format is that of a music radio station specializing in the rock genre, and you think things would end there- but, and I admit these are shaky sources, but across The Rock's Wikipedia page and their entry on en-academic.com, The Rock is stated to be a controversial radio station that has attracted numerous complaints, complaints that were upheld against them by the local authority, the Broadcasting Standards Authority, multiple times. The reason behind this controversial background becomes obvious when you actually listen to what The Rock has on offer, because I would argue their speciality isn't just rock music- it's unfiltered content as well.

It's present in their broadcasts, and it's even present on their website- The Rock is entirely unfiltered, with presenters swearing like sailors and talking about content that you just normally wouldn't hear on other radio stations due to strict implementation of codes and standards. I have no idea how The Rock gets away with it, but it's undoubtedly one of their main selling points- and it works, because they have an absolutely massive 382k following on Facebook!

The Rock offers more than just rock music, they offer a breath of fresh air- one that, despite its controversial position, clearly attracts a lot of popularity. With this in mind, it's more than likely their audience targets adults, given the content is in no way suitable for children, something wikipedia supports with a 25-44 age range for the station's target audience (albeit with a male skew).

So, what is listening to this troublemaking rock station like?

Well, being located in New Zealand (and therefore halfway across the world from myself), I wasn't able to listen to a show live, but I did pick up one of their shows on playback via their website- The Morning Rumble on Friday 22nd December 2023, which plays live on weekdays between 5:30am-10:00am NZDT (New Zealand Daylight Time). It was composed entirely of the links between songs with the songs excluded, so while I couldn't listen to the kind of music they had on offer, I got a perfect understanding of what their content is like- and for a station like this, I would argue that's far more important.

The show was presented by no less than four people, but it was hardly over the top- I'd argue for a four-and-a-half hour show, that many presenters to keep things entertaining is bordering on necessary! So, as far as link construction is concerned, the four hosts engaged in quite a lot of banter and casual, friendly conversation that came very strongly across as being unscripted and improvised- for a single presenter working on his own show, this can be problematic, but for a team of four, improv works perfectly because you have four people in a room capable of carrying a conversation between themselves. This was reflected here fantastically- presenters Roger Farrelly, Bryce Casey, Andrew Mulligan and Mel Abbot have a fantastic rapport with each other, bouncing between one another with a natural flow that's pleasant to listen to. They kept it short and sweet too, never speaking for longer than maybe two or three minutes at a time, and kept up a very lively atmosphere.

As you might guess, they were also completely unfiltered and swearing like sailors! This came to me as a shock at first, but only because I was unused to hearing such open vulgarity from a radio show- settling into the hour eventually had me tricked into getting cozy and feeling like I was listening to banter at a family gathering as opposed to a professionally-presented radio show. To call it a breath of fresh air is understating things, and while I wouldn't call it appropriate or personally endorse it, I can completely see why so many seem to enjoy the station, their presentation and careless style is utterly unique. Whether they were receiving a call, inviting a guest aboard or just chatting about something as inane as the percentage of fractures received total over the Xmas period, they were genuinely an entertaining listen, constantly cracking jokes at each other's expense and evoking genuine humor.

The only times they were remotely serious were whenever they were talking music, be it a new song or one from an upcoming band that's about to play next, which perfectly captures their slogan in spirit and essence: "Music, it's the only thing we take seriously." Their brash and careless lack of filtering, their devil-may-care attitude to their own programming, their banter, both witty and humorous, it's all combined to create one of the most genuinely interesting and unique experiences I've ever had the bizarre pleasure of listening to- and for the final entry of this blog, on the eve of the New Year, I certainly think there's no better time to have my eyes opened a little.

Listen to The Rock here:

References:

en-academic.com (Date N/A) The Rock (New Zealand) [Online] Available at: https://en-academic.com/dic.nsf/enwiki/453150 [Accessed 31/12/2023]

Facebook.org (Date N/A) The Rock [Online] Available at: https://www.facebook.com/TheRockFM [Accessed 31/12/2023]

The Morning Rumble Catchup Podcast (2023) The Rock, 22nd December, Available at: https://www.therock.net.nz/home/podcasts/the-morning-rumble-catch-up-podcast.html [Accessed 31/12/2023]

wikipedia.org (Last edited 22/11/2023) The Rock (radio station) [Online] Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rock_(radio_station) [Accessed 31/12/2023]

[wingedblooms]

I love this idea, @silverlinedeyes, and I have always felt that light drifting between the sisters could be prophetic! I've been thinking more about their connection to Starborn after our conversation with @offtorivendell yesterday. Spoilers for hofas below the line.

Like you, I would love to see a connection to Starborn or the equivalent of it (like calls to like). Part of me wonders if the name was inspired by the concept that stars control fate (fate is in our stars, star-crossed lovers, etc.). And those who are called Starborn are blessed by fate with certain powers. These beings, as Vesperus hints below, are able to control elements (or Made objects) that influence or alter the tapestry of the universe, and make their own fate. 

Bryce clutched the Starsword tighter. Its power thudded into her palms like a heartbeat. “But why store your power here? It’s an island—not exactly an easy pit stop.” “There are certain places, girl, that are better suited to hold power than others. Places where the veil between worlds is thin, and magic naturally abounds. Our light thrives in such environments, sustained by the regenerative magic of the land.” She gestured around them. “This island is a thin place—the mists around it declare it so.”  […] “Every world has at least one thin place,” Vesperus drawled. “And there are always certain people more suited to exploit it—to claim its powers, to travel through them to other worlds.” […] “Theia had the gift,” Vesperus said, “but did not understand how to claim the light. I made sure never to reveal how during her training—how she might light up entire worlds, if she wished, if she seized the power to amplify her own. But you, Light-Stealer…She must have passed the gift down to you. And it seems you have learned what she did not.”  Vesperus peered at her bare feet, the rock beneath. “Theia never learned how to access the power I cached beneath my palace. She had no choice but to leave it there, buried in the veins of this mountain. Her loss—and my gain.” Oh gods. There was a fucking firstlight core here, far beneath their feet— (hofas)

The Asteri were able to use ley lines like thoroughfares for travel and communication across worlds. I theorized that the sister peaks could be linked magically as well as physically, like sister-glass or waterways, and that was confirmed by the new information we got on ley lines. These ley lines probably also allow them to drink magic from the land (like a void devouring light) and store magic within the land (in unnatural ways, as we see with the barren mountains that are void of life but thrumming with power). They were even able to take Urd (Mother, Cauldron, Fate) and warp her life-giving powers to their will. 

The Archeron sisters were Made by pure, raw magic. Each High Lord gave Feyre a seed of their raw magic, and Nesta and Elain were reborn in the Cauldron, which is pure, raw magic. They were blessed by fate and gifted unique powers to match Rhysand who, from what we learned, seems to have Starborn heritage.

Amren shook her head, hair swaying. "Nothing is a fluke. The Cauldron's power flows through Nesta, and could use her as a puppet without her knowledge. It wanted those weapons Made, and thus they were Made. It wanted Rhysand to have them and thus the blacksmith brought them to you. To you, Rhysand, not to Nesta. And do not forget that Nesta herself—and Elain, with whatever powers she has—is here. Feyre is here. All three sisters blessed by fate and gifted with powers to match your own. (acosf)

I would think that this would also allow them to use the power of the land (ley lines) as well, but as weavers of Hope. Feyre and Nesta have already used raw magic (iridescent light) to heal, and I think it’s a safe bet the same will be true for Elain, but it’s going to fit the seeds Sarah has planted for her: gardening on a grander scale. With her connection to both the land and Urd, I think she might learn how to restore Urd and her sacred peaks, lighting up their world like a new dawn.

If this happens in Elain's book, this kind of restoration might inadvertently release Koschei from his binding to the lake (and I believe you've theorized about his release before). This would set up the three sisters, alongside their friends and allies, to kill the unkillable with all of their Urd-gifted tools and powers, as you said.

In Their Starborn Era

(HOFAS spoilers below)

The starborn age has ended on Midgard…

…and the Archeron Starborn Era is about to begin on Prythian. LFG!!!!

The Archeron Sisters are Starborn

As @offtorivendell has theorized here, @wingedblooms has theorized here, I have theorized here and here, we think each of the Archeron sisters is starborn and has part of Theia’s (or her children’s) light.

Elain has Helena’s.

Nesta has Silene’s.

Feyre has Theia’s (or maybe her son’s if that crack theory is right lol).

Though I wonder about Nesta’s Starborn power, and if she gave some of it back to the Cauldron at the end of ACOSF…and what that might mean for her ability to use Gwydion or TT at all on her own, like Bryce can. So what does that mean?

We get hints that Elain has strong starborn power:

So will Elain at first be the one to wield Gwydion and TT as she (and Az) go on their quests? Potentially to revive Dusk, or other parts of Prythian, as @offtorivendell and @wingedblooms have theorized?

And might she in part use them to help herself? To unMake her bond with Lucien using TT to free them both of it, and to potentially Make a new bond with Az (if a bond doesn’t already exist), either using her powers, or using Gwydion?

Together They Can Activate TT and Gwydion

Only united can Theia’s starborn power activate Gwydion and TT and be used to kill the unkillable. The Asteri in Midgard. Koschei in ACOTAR?

The Sisters’ Bonds

Right now, the bonds between the sisters are somewhat fractured, particularly still between Nesta and Elain.

Those bonds will need to finally heal so that they can come together to use Gwydion and TT to save Prythian.

[thran-duils]

Use All of Me (P.1)

Title: Use All Of Me (Part One) Summary: Fem!Reader x Dark Mob!Steve Rogers. The Avengers are heroes saving the world but in this AU, they are also permitted by the powers in charge to have less than favorable business underneath their guise of mere superheroes. Steve and Tony are at the helm, keeping their empire’s wealth in check, both devious and perilous if crossed. Steve takes a liking to the reader at a party and it may be her undoing to her autonomy choosing to go home with him. Words: 2,132 Warnings: Dark AF, angst, emotional/mental abuse, smut, breeding, death Author’s Notes: This relationship is going to go ~downhill~ from healthy really quick. Please do not read if that is going to offend you.

Part Two || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost

You hiked the sides of your swimsuit up higher, further accentuating your ass. A man had been watching you for the better part of the evening at the party you and a couple of your friends were attending. It was an upscale pool party, one with a list you had managed to get yourselves on at the last club event last weekend you had attended. You had made friends with the right girl, she had found you three entertaining and wanted you to be at this party. She had stopped by earlier in the evening, exchanging some laughs and pointing out where the bar was and also who to go to if you wanted to have some extra fun for a little extra cash. You had declined on that offer – you were not familiar with this place and it being your first time, you did not want to risk rolling and potentially making a fool out of yourself.

Your drink was placed on the bar and you tipped your glass towards the bartender. Walking back from the bar, you made sure to not cast a glance in his direction. You found playing hard to get was far more advantageous than acting desperate in circumstances like this.

You sat back down on the edge of the pool, your back to the man, where your friends were sitting with their legs dangling in the water.

“Who are you showing the goods off for?” Yua asked you, curious.

Shrugging nonchalantly, you said, “There’s a guy.”

She giggled, giving you a nudge, “Who? I promise I won’t be obvious.”

You took a drink, letting her simmer in anticipation for a few moments. “Hmm. He’s a dirty blonde, a suave, combed back style. Looks really muscular underneath that dress shirt. I wouldn’t doubt if he owns some Ray Ban aviators. It would really complete the look.”

True to her word, Yua was being discreet, eyes gazing over the crowd casually.

“There are a few…” she said slowly and then trailed off. Her head snapped towards you and she said, “Do you mean the one who can’t stop looking over at you?”

“I’m sure that’s him,” you smirked. “If he’s in a booth with a few other people.”

It was Natalie’s turn to look around. She let out a low whistle, bringing her glass to her lips.

“You don’t approve?” you asked.

She scoffed, “You do know who that is, correct?”

“Steve Rogers,” you told her as a matter of fact, which caught her off guard. Of course you knew who he was. Who did not know the Avengers? They protected the world but considering the work they did, they were given a lot of leeway about their other lucrative ventures. Money and protection were a part of their sphere, and it ran dark side, with a nasty underbelly. How deep it went was a big question for anyone not in the underground.

You shot a look over your shoulder, meeting his piercing stare. He smirked at you, and you blushed. Partially in embarrassment but also arousal. Well, this was going to make tonight interesting you hoped. Facing your friends again, you chirped, “Maybe he’ll buy me drinks. He certainly has enough money to drop some dollars.”

“Yeah, I am not sure that is such a great idea, Y/N,” Natalie said warily.

“Oh, if he’s on my same page, I’m just looking for a fun night. What the hell could happen?”

“A lot,” Natalie said sourly. Yua and you snickered. She said, “I’m serious. You don’t know what he’s involved in. Not truly.”

Yua told her, “I’m sure whatever business he has can hold off for one night if he wants to give Y/N some vitamin D.”

“You’re so childish,” Natalie muttered, the two of you chortling at Yua’s joke, much to her annoyance.

A shadow fell over the group of you from behind, causing the trio of you to turn around, craning your necks. A burly man was standing there, not one that you recognized.

“Mr. Rogers is requesting your audience,” he said to you in greeting.

You shot Natalie a self-satisfied smile. She returned a frown, disapproving. You knew her worries were valid, who really did know what kind of trouble you could get caught up in. But really, what could one night do? Still, going to a table with a bunch of mobsters did set you the slightest bit on edge.

“Audience…?” you trailed off, trying to be coy.

Natalie sighed, “Oh, Y/N, you know what he means.”

You smirked at Natalie before telling the man, “My friends are smarter than to let me go off with a strange man alone. Do you think it is possible they could join me? Just so I feel more comfortable?”

The man looked at loss for words for a few moments before clearing his throat, “Mr. Rogers specifically requested you, miss. He did not mention anyone else coming to his table.”

What a way to tell you no.

You exchanged a look again with Natalie and Yua. To the man, you said honestly, “Well, I will have to decline. I do not feel comfortable going alone. Tell him thank you for the invitation all the same.”

“O-oh,” the man stammered, struck uncomfortable by your refusal to go with him. He nodded jerkily, his hands clenching by his sides. “I… that is unfortunate. Well, I will… relay this to him. Good night then. And good night to you as well.” He nodded in the direction of Natalie and Yua as well in departure.

As soon as he was out of ear shot, Yua let out a small laugh. “He looked like you just signed his death wish, Y/N.”

“She very may well have,” Natalie told Yua gravely, which only made Yua snicker more. “I’m serious. Y/N just told an Avenger no.”

Scoffing, you asked, “What would you have had me do then? Go with him? I don’t think so. I was honest! I don’t feel safe going without the pair of you. Hanging out with him would be a thrill, sure. But it’s not smart without you guys. And I wasn’t rude about it.”

“I know,” Natalie sighed, picking up her drink again. “That was being stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

“Who knows? Maybe he’ll try harder now. Maybe he’ll even come over to you instead of ‘requesting your audience’!” Yua chimed in and snorted. “What a pompous thing to say.”

Natalie shook her head at Yua’s continued berating of the situation. “You two are too naïve for your own good.”

<> <> <>

Bryce returned to the table alone, much to Steve’s displeasure.

Steve narrowed his eyes, “Something wrong?”

“She said she was uncomfortable coming over without her friends because she doesn’t know you.”

Cocking an eyebrow, Steve said dryly, “And?”

“I’m not following, sir.”

“And why didn’t she just bring her friends with her?”

Bryce looked noticeably anxious at this turn of conversation. He stumbled, “Well… sir, I told her that you had not mentioned anyone else coming to the table. So… she then declined the offer.”

There was silence at the table. On Steve’s left, Tony’s lips ticked on a side as he tried to hide a full smirk by bringing his whiskey to his lips.

Licking his lips, Steve posed, “Bryce… did I say no one else could come to the table? Specifically?”

Natasha shot Bryce a coy look as she lit a cigarette. She was enjoying the exchange; she was not fond of him and never had been. She was curious why Tony and Steve even kept him around besides for his muscle. He was loyal; that was true enough. But he sure as fuck was dim.

“N-no, sir.”

Leaning forward over the table, Steve leveled him with a glare. “Get your ass back over there and invite her friends then.”

“Yes, sir. Of course,” Bryce said, before scattering.

<> <> <>

Steve’s breath was hot against your skin as he cradled you from behind. You had gotten preoccupied with looking at yourself in the full-length mirror outside his bathroom, fixing your hair, adjusting your breasts in your swim top. He had come up behind you, locking eyes with you through the mirror. His shirt was gone, and his bare skin caressed against yours as his fingers trailed down between your breasts, down your stomach to the waist band of your swim bottoms.

“You look perfect,” he whispered in your ear, nuzzling.

You had accepted his invination the second time his man had come around. Yua had been more than receptive to the prospect, Natalie following closely behind. She had gotten drawn in by Natasha, much to your amusement. Steve had been doting all evening, charming you with light conversation and compliments. Drink after drink until he asked you to come to one of the bedrooms, which is where you learned this was Bruce Banner’s house. Natalie had been too enthralled with Natasha’s beautiful eyes to notice Steve lead you away.

Turning around in his embrace, you faced him, arms draping around his neck. Steve’s hands trailed down the seams of your swimsuit before his fingers crept underneath, cupping your ass.

“I knew you were a good girl all the way across the pool,” Steve growled, rumbling low deep in his chest. Your hips moved with the way his hands floated across your sides.

Taking the reins – even for a minute – you pulled away, your hand trailing down his chest before falling away. You turned, walking towards the king bed, a saunter in your hips. Steve followed you like a well-trained dog, climbing on top of you as you laid back against the plush pillows. He rutted into you, his lips leaving bruising kisses against your jawline.

He gripped the hem of your swimsuit, yanking them down, and you finished the job by kicking them off. Traveling further, he brushed his fingers against your wet folds, his thumb brushing your clit. You keened, bucking towards him, desperate for more.

“For a minute there, I thought you were just trying to tease me for a thrill…” he said, trailing off. His fingers pressed in, stroking slowly and you whimpered. “But it looks like you were really looking for a good fuck.” He bit at your mouth and you dragged your teeth across his lips. He moaned in response. “You are a catch, aren’t you, doll face?”

You simpered at his old timey nickname, but you felt a rush at his attention.

Steve sat up, undoing the belt of his slacks and pulling out roughly, tossing it aside. His pants and briefs followed, kicking himself out of them. He pinned you to the bed, his weight pressing down on you. He trailed his lips down your chest, nuzzling his nose into your suit, finding your nipple and giving it a soft suck. You moaned lightly as his tongue swirled around, working you up. His fingers were back at your clit, stroking you in tandem with his eager mouth against your breast.

He only let you ride that rhythm for a short while before he straightened up, his hard cock brushing against your thighs. “Get on your stomach. Arch your back.”

You quickly obeyed, displaying yourself to him. He hummed in approval, running his thumb up your folds, causing you to shiver, before you felt him at your entrance. His cock slid in easily as his fingers wrapped up in your hair, yanking your head back to meet his eagerly waiting lips.

“Oh, I am going to use you all night,” he declared, his lips moving over yours.

You were surely going to be sore tomorrow.

Spent, you laid next to him, your arm draped over his chest in the tangled sheets. Both of your bodies were still covered in a sheen of sweat, but you were relaxed. There was a good ache between your thighs, one that you were going to remember for a long while. He sure was good in bed.

His fingers hooked up underneath your chin, tipping your head up to look at him. You smiled sensually in response, much to his arousal.

“Mhm,” he exhaled deeply, his fingers caressing your jawline affectionately. “You are going to give me a run for my money, aren’t you?”

He was talking like he was thinking this was going to turn into something more than a one-night stand. You played it cool.

“I wouldn’t say money per say, but… I’m sure to give you a run. An exciting one.”

“I look forward to it.”

Something about the glint in his eyes turned your stomach but you were far too comfortable wrapped up in his arms, the thrill of having him wrapped around your finger for the time being overriding any sense of caution.

[jerzwriter]

Delaying the Inevitable - Chapter 18 - Crossroads

Book: Open Heart 3 (Post Series)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC Tobias Carrick x F!MC

Rating: Chapter: Teen

Summary: Extended Series WIP – Love Triangle. In this chapter: Casey & the girls enjoy a special girl’s night out, while Tobias & Bryce enjoy a boy’s night in; Tobias has a field day when Casey slips up; after an unusual encounter, Ethan reaches out to a loved one; Tobias’s mother arrives unexpectedly, and boy does she have a lot to say; Casey has a lightbulb moment.

Category: Extended Series (WIP)

Warnings: Drinking, language

A/N: Hello! I’m putting this out a little early because, well, it’s done and I’m impatient. 😊 After a lot of angst, this chapter offers some fun. Ethan is only in one scene, but he will be back more next week. Tobias’s mom Vivian visits. I’m curious to see what you think of her. This is an OC and I adored creating and writing for her.

A/N 2: A reminder, it’s a love triangle folks, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

A/N 3: It's another mammoth length chapter. Break it up into several small reads if necessary. But I’m getting feedback that a lot of people like them, which leads me to….

AN/4: I’m starting a new position on Monday & my time will be more limited. I am still committed to putting out one chapter per week, I promise. But I may need to make adjustments. Chapters may be shorter and, if so, the story would go on a little longer than expected. It takes A LOT of time to get a chapter of this length together and I don’t know if I’ll have that luxury anymore. But I will continue, you won't see it on hiatus or incomplete next to this outside of a tragic event (and I wish to avoid those).

A/N 5: Final (but most important) note, thank you so much to @kachrisberry pre-reading, editing, and giving me ideas for some of the funniest parts in this chapter (that breakfast scene tho….). You rock LLS! 😊 Thanks to all of you for reading & your feedback – you are the best.

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

If you wish to be added or removed from tags, please let me know. Comments and reblogs are always appreciated. 😊

“Hey, it’s me, do you have everything set for the night? Do you need anything more from me?”

“Nope, reservations confirmed, VIP passes for The Grand are in my hand and, Tobias, you sent us a freaking limo! I nearly fainted!”

“It was a last-minute idea. I told you, I want this to be an epic girl’s night out for all of you. I know Casey has really been missing you, and I hope this will life her spirits.”

“Post residency life has been hard on getting together, and it sucks. But don’t worry, we will make sure that it is a night to remember.”

“That’s what I’m counting on! Oh, I hear her coming in the door now. What time will you be here? … OK 7:30 PM it is… Yes, Sienna, the dress is in her closet. … I told you that you could trust me. See you soon.”

“Hey, T.”

“Hey, you! How was your day off?”

“It was great, and I don’t know how I scored having a late shift tomorrow. It’s like a mini-vacation!”

“It’s funny how that worked out,” he smiled, knowing damn well he was behind the scheduling change. “Now, before you go getting too comfortable, I have a surprise for you.”

“Oh my God! Is it edible? Did you get me bagels?”

He chuckled, “No, Casey. It’s not edible. Although, food is part of the evening’s itinerary.”

“Itinerary?”

“Go to your room…”

“Uh, am I being punished?”

“No! Now if you’d let me finish…there is a new dress hanging in your closet. According to Sienna, it was one that you were eyeing in Macy’s last week.”

“Wait, the black sequin dress? The one I tried on?”

“That’s the one.”

“How… Why is it in my closet?”

“Because you’re going to wear it. You’re going to fix your hair and do your make up… not that you don’t look amazing exactly as you are… you do… but you may want to be a little more dressed up tonight.”

“For what?”

“For your girl’s night out, of course.”

“T… have you been smoking some funny stuff that I’m unaware of? My only plans for this evening involve that couch and Grey’s Anatomy reruns.”

“No,” he laughed, “no funny stuff. And, dear God, you cannot get enough of Dr. Avery, can you?”

“Truthfully, no I can’t. But let’s control the ADHD, Carrick. What the heck were you talking about?”

“Sienna, Aurora and Jackie are on their way over here.”

Casey looked perplexed. “I’m still… what?”

“I know you’ve been missing them a lot lately. So, I worked with Sienna and planned a special night. Dinner…a club or two, whatever you want to do really. Just go and be with your friends, forget about everything for a night.”

“Wait… you’re saying youplanned a girl’s night out for us?”

“Well, mostly for you, but I still want everyone to have fun. Now, stop asking questions and go get ready. They’ll be here soon.”

Casey shook her head before running over and wrapping Tobias in a hug.

“Oh my God, T! You are like my fairy godmother… or fairy godfather, or something like that! Why did you do this?”

“Case,” he said, pulling back to look at her, “there is very little I wouldn’t do to see you happy. But come on… stop talking, stop hugging… get dressed.”

“Well, OK!” She let out a little squeal and ran off to her room.

Tobias face lit up, he loved seeing her so joyful, especially after all she has been through. He grabbed a bowl of chips off the counter and headed to the couch. Maybe he’d watch the Grey’s reruns, this way he could do more than nod and stare blankly when Casey rambled aimlessly about it.

Thirty minutes later the doorbell rang. He laughed listening to the commotion out in the hall. When he opened the door, three exuberant ladies stood before him, dressed to kill, and, by the looks of things, at least one bottle of champagne into the night already.

“Tobias!” Jackie yelled giving him a big hug. “If I haven’t told you recently, please let me tell you… you are THE MAN! I don’t care what Scalpel Jockey says about you.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s all bad. Come in, Casey should be done in a minute. Would you ladies like an adult beverage while you wait.”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Sienna said, “it’s time to get this night started. WOO-HOO!”

Aurora looked at Tobias and rolled her eyes.

“It looks like I’m the designated driver tonight.”

“Designated what? Aurora, you did take the limo here, right?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s not about driving. It’s about making sure these two… about to be three… don’t do something regrettable.”

Tobias handed Aurora a large glass of red wine.

“That’s all well and good, Aurora. But you should relax too. They are all reasonable, no one is going to do something that outlandish.” He paused, “Well, except maybe for Jackie.”

“I HEARD THAT!” Jackie yelled from the living room.

Casey walked out to join her friends and blushed slightly when she saw everyone’s jaw drop. Sienna and Jackie whistled, and Tobias suddenly found it hard to breathe. The new dress didn’t look that short, that snug or that WOW on the hanger, and he had no idea the effect it would have on him. Her blonde hair was pinned up with delicate tendrils framing her face, and those legs… damn, those long legs were beyond belief any day of the week, but paired with those black stilettos? Holy shit!

Everyone stared at first, but when Casey realized that Tobias’s gaze was lingering, and she felt her cheeks starting to burn.

“Tobias, do I look ok?”

Do you look ok? OK? No OK doesn’t cover it. I’m dying here.

“Oh,” he said removing himself from his reverie. “Oh, yeah, you look amazing. I’m uh… I’m just glad the dress was the right size.”

“Casey!” Sienna yelled, “Tobias got us a limo!”

“Yeah, so we can drink, make asses out of ourself and get safely home!”

“Jackie, I think my job is to get you all safely home, right Case?” Aurora smiled.

But Casey didn’t acknowledge her, it was how her turn to spontaneously gape at Tobias.

“Case, what are you looking at. I’m not all dressed up, nothing to see here,” he joked.

“You got us a limo? Why… you are entirely too good to me.”

“Hey! Stop right there, Casey. NOTHING is too good for you. Do you understand? Manifest that shit and don’t forget it. You deserve it all and more.” Jackie said as she raised her glass.

Tobias and Casey smiled at each other, before she bashfully turned her eyes away.

“OK, would any of you like another glass of wine before I kick you out to go have fun?”

“Yes, to the wine!” Sienna screamed.

“And double yes to the fun!” Jackie toasted. “Don’t worry, Case, we are going to make sure you have an A-MA-ZING night!”

“Well, I think we have all the ingredients.”

“You have more than the ingredients girl,” she circled Casey, staring in a lascivious manner. “Girl, I thought I looked good but you… if you don’t get lucky tonight… there is something seriously wrong.”

Standing to the side, Tobias quietly choked on his wine.

“Yeah, Casey.” Aurora laughed, “What’s the old saying, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Jackie clinked her glass against Aurora’s. “See, and that’s what I’m talking about right there.”

“Uh, I don’t know… I mean… I just want to enjoy my night with you guys, I’m not looking to.…”

“You won’t have to look, Casey! Stepping out like that, they are all going to come flocking to you.”

“Well, be that as it may.…” Casey stammered.

“Well, I mean… I hope you have a good time… but, you know, I don’t think… I mean, if you’re not ready and.…” Tobias stuttered.

“No one is ready until it happens, T! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure she is safe. I think there were even condoms in the limo.” Jackie laughed.

Tobias choked again, a little more obviously this time. He put his glass down and rubbed his face. Jesus, he hadn’t factored this in, had he? He knew he should have just gotten them all a spa day.

“Well, I think we should all get going. There is fun and debauchery to be had.”

“Not too much though, there is one of me and three of you!” Aurora protested.

“Don’t wait up, T!” Jackie said, running out the door.

Tobias had gone back to the kitchen, not realizing Casey lingered behind. He turned at the sound of her heels clicking on the marble floor as she made her way to him. She stared at him silently for a moment before placing a sweet peck on his cheek.

“Tobias, I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t have to say anything, kid, just go… go and have fun! You know… within reason…”

“I will,” She smiled and gave little wave as she left.

Tobias smiled back, but as soon as the door locked behind her, it faded. He grabbed his head and began pacing.

You fucking idiot. How did you not think of this? Did you see her? I mean, did you see her. Jesus Christ everyone in Boston is going to want to have a chance with her tonight… but you know… she didn’t seem interested. And Sienna, she looked uncomfortable, so… but what if some jackass is putting the moves on her, and she’s drunk, and she is with Jackie, not Sienna, and she’s all encouraging and… OK stop. Casey isn’t going to do anything she doesn’t want to do. You know that. But… holy shit, what if she wants to.

This was going to be a very long night.

The doorbell rang.

She must have forgotten something. Or maybe she just decided to stay home, yeah that would be… that would be horrible. You did this for her to have fun not for… not for her to change her mind and sit home with you.

“Well, hello my friend,” Bryce grinned, holding up a six-pack. “A little birdie told me that the ladies are out having an epic GNO. So, I thought we’d have a less epic, but just as fun, BNI right here.”

“BN I?”

“Yes! Boys’ night in.”

He plopped the six pack on the island in the center of the kitchen.

“Hope you don’t mind me dropping in unexpectedly. I assumed you’d be thrilled to see me. So, here is the beer, pizza is ordered, let boys’ night in commence!” he lifted his hand for a high five, but Tobias was distracted, so Bryce was left hanging.

“OK, let me try this again… let boy’s night in commence!” he raised his hand once more. This time Tobias hit it before giving him a bro hug.

“You’re an idiot you know. But you tolerate me, so I have to keep you around.”

“Now, if that’s not true friendship, I don’t know what is,” Bryce said, pouring two beers. “Where the hell are we taking this party T?”

��Sofa, I guess, it’s too chilly for the balcony.”

“Sienna and Jackie filled me in on what you did for Casey. T, I’ve gotta tell you… I know I’ve given you a lot of shit in the past, and rightly so, but I have to say… you have gone above and beyond helping Case get through all this bullshit.” He raised his glass, “I’m glad she has you.”

Tobias hit his glass against Bryce’s, a smile formed on his lips but it quickly faltered.

“OK, you just received praise, from me of all people. Normally your huge ego would have you parading around like a peacock. What gives?”

“What gives is I am a fucking idiot.”

“Normally, I’d agree, but, oddly enough, tonight I don’t. So, I’ll bite. Why are you a fucking idiot?”

“You should have seen her tonight, Bryce.”

“I did. Jackie had pictures on Picta before they hit the lobby. She looked… pretty fucking awesome. They all did.”

“Yeah. Too awesome. Jackie and Aurora were up here talking about the only way of getting over someone is getting under someone and … now she’s out there… looking like that… and… how did I not think of this? I mean, I bought her that damn dress!”

“Hmmm. Poor planning, you should have discussed this with me. Given your infatuation, not bright T.”

“First, it’s not an infatuation, Bryce, you know it goes far beyond an infatuation. Second, thanks bud, you’re making me feel so much better.”

“That’s why I’m here,” he said, tapping Tobias’s shoulder.

“Look, for what it’s worth. I don’t think Casey is interested in picking up some boy toy. I’d take that off your list of worries… I mean… I’d say the odds are 90/10. Maybe 80/20. 70/30 if she really drinks a lot…60/40 if Jackie is involved…”

“NOT HELPING! You know, I never thought about this. I never thought she and I would have a chance. Even after the split with Ethan. Then, at the bar, Laura tells me she sees something, I should let Casey heal, she thinks there is a chance… I mean, haven’t done anything inappropriate… and I don’t intend to. I figured wait and see. But I forgot, there are other guys out there, and they don’t know her situation. They won’t know or care if she just broke up. She could end up with them because, they don’t have to wait… but I do… and I mean… Ramsey was one thing… but bro, I can’t watch her if she ends up with someone else now.”

“T.,” Bryce said snapping his fingers, “come back to me. I think you’re OK for now.”

Tobias shook his head. “But we don’t know.

“OK I don’t want to say I told you so when you’re down, but this is why I said her living here may not be the best choice. You took it the wrong way, but this is what worried me. If she wants to start dating, you can’t stop her, you can’t say no.”

“I understand. But she’s happy here, she feels safe here, and I want that for her. Plus, I’d feel the same way even if she lived elsewhere.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have a front row seat to it. But I wouldn’t worry for now.”

“Oh, I’m going to worry. Especially tonight. Until she’s home, I assure you, I’m worrying.”

“You do you, T. You know, I always told you to put your feelings for her aside, but… things have changed and I wanted to ask, do you think, you’ll tell her how you feel?”

“Tell her? I don’t know. Show her? I try to do that every day, not that she understands. What do you think I should do?”

“Jesus, I’ve only had one beer. I can’t possibly be drunk but, I swore I just heard you ask me for advice.”

“I did jackass.”

“Wow, I’m glad you have those big windows. I can see the fire and brimstone, pigs flying, the end of days.”

“Bryce…”

“Sorry. I don’t know T. The thing is, you wouldn’t be some boy toy she picks up to make herself feel better. Anything happening between you two, it would mean so much more. But, given the turn of events, I almost hope you do end up together in time.”

“You do?”

“Casey deserves the world, especially after all the shit with Ramsey. I want to see her with someone who will worship her the way she deserves to be, and, honestly, I don’t think anyone could do that better than you. But I don’t want to see you become a rebound, and I don’t want to see your friendship dissipate if things don’t work out.”

“You think I’d be good for her?”

“Look, you guys wouldn’t come with your own set of unique… circumstances. But, yeah, I think you would.”

Tobias let out a loud sigh. “Look, do you think we could change the subject? I think getting my mind off this may be a good idea.”

“Not a problem.”

“OK. Want to put on the game? The Pats are playing.”

“You hate football, T.”

“It’s that or Grey’s Anatomy.”

“So, we’re watching football…”

____________________

The ladies were having the time of their lives. The first stop was dinner and drinks at the Lookout Rooftop. It may have been cold, but they didn’t mind; maybe it was the outdoor heaters, maybe it was consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. They ate, drank, laughed, and danced. Three men flirted were flirting relentlessly with Casey. They ranged from (Jackie’s words) “tabasco sauce level” to “Da Bomb and Beyond Hot Sauce”. Jackie made a point of getting three numbers, but to Jackie’s consternation, Casey remained uninterested.

Next up was more drinking and dancing at The Grand. Aurora decided to rebuff Tobias’s advice and stay sober. She needed to make sure her friends did not end up needing bail money. With Sienna attempting to dance on tables, Jackie telling everyone how fabulous their asses looked, and Casey hugging everyone she met, insisting they were all old friends… Aurora felt she needed to step up her game.

When they returned to the limo, Jackie instructed the driver to bring them to Alibi. Aurora put her foot down.

“OK, look, Alibi is within walking distance of Edenbrook and, right now, none of you need to be seen by anyonefrom Edenbrook.”

“Oh, don’t be such a party pooper!” Sienna yelled.

“How about a compromise? Let’s drive around until you sober up… a little… that way my job is easier when we get there. Deal?”

“Aurora!” Casey slurred, “Come on… T did this for me to have fun….”

“For all of us to have fun, Casey,” Sienna added.

Jackie laughed obnoxiously.

“Oh Jesus, guys, stop your bullshit already! I’m happy to get a free night of fabulous, but we all know Tobias did this for Casey.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Casey yelled.

She wanted to come across as more annoyed than she was, but that would have required lifting her head… and that may have caused vomiting… so she passed.

“Oh my God, Case! How you're like the diagnostics prodigy child? The guy has it so bad for you.”

“Jackie! That’s not true! He’s just… he’s my friend, like you are.”

Casey pulled Jackie into a drunken hug.

“Not exactly like me, because right now I am not going to try to grope you in this condition… on the other hand…”

“OK, as the only sober one here, I need to interrupt. That’s totally unfair Jackie, I have never seen T do anything inappropriate with Casey.”

“Thank you, Aurora.”

“Of course,” Aurora continued, “I have noticed some lingering stares…”

“MMM HMMM! Like the one he gave her when she came out in that dress tonight.”

Sienna sobered up enough to engage in some damage control.

“In all fairness, we alllooked at Casey like that when she came out tonight.”

“Oh, you’re all being so damn sensitive,” Jackie said jerking forward.

“Jackie! Please! No sudden moves like that! I don’t mind cleaning up your messes tonight, but I don’t mean literally!”

“Aurora, hush, I wasn’t done! Casey, so what if he has a crush on you. I mean, you’re single, he’s single, who freaking cares?”

“And they’re both hella hot…” Aurora added.

“See! And she’s the sober one!”

“Guys, stop! Really. It’s not like that, I don’t want you thinking that it is.”

“Well, why not? He’s nice right?”

“Of course, he’s nice…but…”

“He treats you good, right?”

“He treats me like a queen, but…”

“He even looks a little like Dr. Avery…”

“Now that you mention it…”

“So, he IS hot as fuck, right?”

“Of course, he is …”

“HA! I got you to admit it!” Jackie laughed.

“Jackie, just because I think he’s nice, and a good guy, and hot as fuck doesn’t mean...”

“Yeah, because that’s not what anyone looks for.…” Jackie said rolling her eyes.

Sienna pulled the wet paper towel she placed on her head off and sat up… slowly…

“Jackie, leave Casey alone. She’ll date who she wants, when she wants, and she doesn’t need our help, right Casey.”

“Thank you, Si.”

“Sienna is right,” Aurora said, “but in all reality… Casey… you could do worse.”

“Aurora always makes so much sense,” Jackie sighed.

“Yeah, but let’s not forget he works on her team. So does her recent ex, who may or may not have been Tobias’s nemesis for the last decade, who…”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake Sienna, like any of that matters. Ethan is the one that thought it would be so brilliant to have my aunt on the team, while he also had the new woman he was boinking on it.”

“So, precedent has been established,” Jackie pointed out, “no one gives a shit at Edenbrook. So, Casey, I say go for it. Casey? Case? Casey?”

“Hmmm,” Casey said lifting her head off the side. “I’m sorry I fell…. are we at Alibi’s yet?”

“I’m fairly sober now, we may as well go; I will help you babysit.”

“OK, but you are cut off for the night!” Aurora added.

“At least until I’m back in the limo after!” Sienna smiled.

____________________

Two hours, one club, and approximately four drinks later, Aurora assisted a very wobbly Casey into the elevator.

“55th floor, please,” Aurora instructed the operator.

“She’s my friend….” Casey slurred.

“I can see that. She looks like a very good friend,” he laughed.

“I know. But can I tell you a secret, she thinks I’m drunk.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I’m so sorry about this,” Aurora cringed.

“I’ve seen much worse,” he chuckled.

“I’m sure you have.”

“I’m not drunk, I am just… OK, so I might be drunk. But it’s OK! I’m over 21.”

“Oh, I know her boyfriend. He is going to have a field day with this.”

“Oh, it’s not her…”

“He’s not my boyfriend …. Silly…. But he is hot, right?”

Aurora shook her head as they reached the floor…. “Let me get her home.”

Tobias was still wide awake, so what if it was 3:30 AM? Sure, he had to be at work in five-hours, but he was waiting until she was home. And he really hoped she would come home. The bell rang. Thank fuck!

When he opened the door, Casey was slumped over Aurora’s shoulder, giggling relentlessly.

“Hi, T!” Aurora grinned.

“Oh, my….”

“Mmmm- hmmm and you told me I should kick back too? I have two more of these in the car.”

“OK, I admit it. You were right. Thank you, Aurora.”

“Hey, this is what friends do. But can you handle…. this… from here? I have to get downstairs to make sure Jackie and Sienna haven’t commandeered the limo. They could be a danger to the citizens of Boston.”

“Go ahead,” he laughed. “I’ve got her from here. I owe you.”

Aurora watched how tenderly Tobias was looking at Casey and smiled.

“You don’t owe me, T. Just… be good to her.”

“I try.”

“I know. I’ll see you soon.”

Tobias helped Casey to the couch and she promptly sprawled across it.

“OK I’m getting you some water, kid. We have to sober you up.”

“I am sober…” she demanded, “Tobias, I live here now right?”

“Yeah, you do…”

He helped her lift her head and take a few sips before moving to the other end of the couch. Casey scootched down and put feet, still in stilettos, on his lap.

“So, I guess you had a good time?”

“Soooooooooo good. We had soooooooo much fun.”

“Uh that’s good. You didn’t get into any trouble.”

“Trouble?”

“Yeah. Trouble?”

“No… DAD… we didn’t get into trouble…” she slurred.

Tobias laughed. This. Was. Hysterical.

“Well, you broke curfew, young lady. And I better not hear that you were hanging out with strange boys.”.

Casey rolled her eyes exaggeratedly.

“I already told you, DADDY, we we’re all good little girls tonight.”

Oh, Jesus H Christ.

“Yeah, uh, sweetheart, I’m not your dad… or daddy. Or anything like that so, uhm, lets change that up.”

“Oh my God! You’re embarrassed….”

“I’m not embarrassed, I just….”

“Yes, you are! Look,” she attempted to grab her phone and put it in selfie mode to show him his face. Tobias removed it from her hands before she accidentally drunk dialed someone in Guam.

“You’re all red, T!”

“Casey, I’m not red, I….”

“OK, Daddy! That’s it... that’s your new nickname foreva Daddy.”

Flustered, he rubbed his head. “No… it is not. Why am I arguing with you? You won't even remember this in the morning.”

“What day is tomorrow?”

“That’s not important right now.”

“Well, I’m gonna remember!”

“No, you’re not. But I am going to tease the hell out of you for the next twenty or thirty years.”

“I want coffee,” she pouted.

“Yes, your highness. I’ll be right back.”

“LOTS of milk and sugar.”

“Not this time!”

He returned with a cup of black coffee in his hand, but Casey was already gently snoring on the couch.

He smiled tenderly and kneeled beside her.

“Oh, sweetie. I love seeing you so happy. I just hope you won’t feel too miserable tomorrow.”

Casey opened her eyes; not having heard what he had said.

“T, I wanna go to bed.”

“OK, let me help you.”

She tried standing and fell right back into the couch. The second attempt yielded the same results.

“Yeah, let’s try something different.”

Scooping her up, he carried her to her room and gently placed her on her bed. She was already sound asleep. He took off both of her shoes, put them on the floor and pulled a blanket over her, tucking it in around her.

“Sweet dreams, kid,” he said as he placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

He turned around to take one last look at her and smiled tenderly before turning out the light.

____________________

Tobias was eating breakfast in the kitchen the next morning when Casey stumbled out, horribly hung over.

“Hey there, tiger. I’m shocked to see you up so early. How are you feeling?”

“Mmmmmmm,” she groaned.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Common sense? Better judgement? A sense of dignity? So I have the sense to never do anything like that again?”

“Can’t help you with any of those, but I can make your special hangover cure.”

He stood up and began to gather the ingredients.

“According to Aurora, you guys didn’t do too much damage. But, you should thank her, God knows what you would have done if she hadn’t been there.”

“Aurora is amazing.”

“She is. Now, as far as your dignity being restored… define dignity?”

“Oh no! What, what did I do? Was it terrible? Could my job be in jeopardy? Did anyone post it online?”

“Relax kid, it wasn’t that serious, you’re ok.”

“What did I do?”

“Nothing really. Except call me Daddy several times when you got home.”

Casey dropped her glass, “I DID NOT!”

“Yeah, you DID.”

“STOP IT,” she said, hitting him, then wincing because the sudden movement hurt her head.

“You know, Case. I never knew you were into that. It came as quite a shock.”

She grabbed a dishtowel from the table and threw it at him.

Ducking he laughed, “You know I thought we were close, if you felt that way about me….”

“Oh, stop!!”

“I’ll lay off right now, only because you feel like shit. But, sweetheart, you are never going to live this down.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend!”

“I am your friend. If I wasn’t your friend, you’d be waking up to 300 comments in a group chat. This is just going to be our little thing,” he grinned.

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t. Look, I need to get to work now, but you don’t have to be in for hours. Why don’t you go sleep for a bit? you’ll feel better soon.”

“Sleep? Yes. Feeling better? Debatable. But, if I do, I’m going to go to the farmer’s market. Leave a note on the table by my door if you need anything.”

“I will, now go sleep.”

He began writing a list: oranges, basil, and avocados. A mischievous look came across his face, he wrote, “Love, Daddy.” At the bottom of the list.

She is going to freaking kill me.

____________________

Tobias grinned when he saw Sienna leaning across a counter outside the diagnostic office.

“Well look at you in all early! If you were in anywhere near the shape Casey was, well, I’m surprised you’re even standing.”

“Well, standing is a bit of an overstatement, surviving would be a better term!”

“So, you had fun.”

“Oh my God, we had the most unbelievable time! I have to say, I don’t remember all of it, but by Alibi I was sober. Until I drank more in the limo after….”

“Woah, I didn’t even know Alibi was on the agenda. Did you hit all the other places?”

“Sure did!”

“You guys know how to do it! I’m glad you had fun.”

Sienna turned her head around to make sure they were alone.

“Tobias, just so you know, outside of some dancing, nothing untoward happened last night. Not with anyone.”

He tilted his head and looked down at her, “Well Sienna, if anything… untoward… had happened, it really wouldn’t be any of my business, would it?”

“I guess not. But it could still hurt.”

Tobias turned his eyes toward her.

“Si, what are you…”

“Tobias,” she said softly touching his hand, “I’ve known for a while. I have eyes, I can see how you feel about her.”

He inhaled. “Well, I guess I’m more obvious than I think.”

“She isn’t aware of how you feel, is she?”

“No, and I don’t plan on telling her. At least not for now.”

“Why not?”

He turned his head toward her, eyebrows raised.

“You want me to tell her?”

Sienna sighed, looking straight ahead, gathering her thoughts before speaking.

“Yeah. I think you should. Not right now, but eventually.”

“I’m frankly a little shocked. It’s not the popular consensus.”

“Well, consensuses change. I see how much you care for her, yet you’ve never acted on it. Even when you could have easily taken advantage. Honestly, I think it’s beautiful. It shows you truly want what is best for her and, well, that’s what I want for my best friend.”

Sienna stopped talking and her eyes widened. She nodded down the hall when she saw Ethan approaching the office.

She continued in a whisper. “I don’t think you’d ever hurt her”

Tobias turned to make sure Ethan was still far enough away before continuing.

“Sienna, I’d rather die than hurt her.”

She smiled. “You’ll know when the time is right, T. I know you will.”

She patted his arm and began to walk away.

“Sienna, wait…” he said running after her.

“Do you… do you think she feels the same way about me? Wait... no, don’t answer that. We’re grown adults, not middle-schoolers. I’m sorry.…”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I can’t say with certainty, but I think it’s possible.”

She smiled as she walked away. He leaned back on the wall, his head spinning and he didn’t come out of his stupor until he heard a voice calling him.

“Tobias. Tobias. Are you with me?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry Ethan, I uh, just have some things on my mind. What’s up?”

“Our meeting’s been delayed until ten, so I’m heading down to the cafeteria to have breakfast. Care to join me?”

“I’d love to but, our meeting was delayed because Dr. Reynolds needs to consult with me on the Lawrence case. But hey, can we make plans to do it another day? Just say when.”

“We’ll do that,” he nodded.

Tobias sunk against the wall again as Ethan retreated, he had a lot to think about.

____________________

Ethan was seated in the cafeteria, his head buried in a medical journal. This was one way he avoided conversation. That, combined with his gruff reputation, ensured that no one ever dared to interrupt him. The only exceptions were Naveen or Harper. Then Tobias when he came to Edenbrook. And, of course, Casey.

She was the most unique because she hadn’t been a friend, they had no relationship when she began doing so. An intern breezing up to him and grabbing a chair as if it was the most natural thing in the world. No other had ever dared. At first, he found it maddening, but also intriguing. Eventually, he realized it was one of the things that led to him falling for her. She was fearless, and she was not going to be intimidated by his bullshit and that allowed her to crack his shell. He sighed. But now he wished the shell had not been cracked, or so he thought.

A few colleagues glanced his way, but all sharply turned away when he made eye contact. This was a game to Ethan, and on some days, he enjoyed playing it, but not today. He was in no mood and unwelcome company was the last thing he desired.

When a cheerful (too cheerful) voice broke the silence, he was craving, he nearly growled.

“Hi. Is this seat taken?”

Ethan looked up, clearly vexed, and when he saw who it was, he was further vexed.

“What do you want, Floria?”

“I thought I made that clear. I want that seat.”

He looked back at her and engaging in a stare-down until he finally broke.

“I truly can’t stop you now, can I?”

“I mean, you’re Ethan Ramsey,” she said sitting down, “I’m sure you could manage a way if you really wanted to.”

He had turned his head back into his journal. Floria gently grabbed it from his hands.

Ethan bit his cheek attempting to contain his anger.

“I really don’t appreciate…”

“Ethan, take a moment to relax. I’m trying to be your friend, or at least show you that someone cares, OK? I know so much bad shit has happened to you lately, and I worry about you.”

“What’s happened to me, Floria?”

“Louise for one, and… Casey.”

“How do you know about Casey?”

“Ethan, the whole hospital knows. It’s been common knowledge for over a week.”

Ethan lowered his head into his hands and shook his head.

“Wonderful…”

“Don’t worry. It will blow over soon as soon as the next news happens. It happens every time.”

He lifted his head, pain evident in his eyes.

“Ethan… how are you doing with all of this?”

“I’m doing.”

“I know breakups are difficult under any circumstances, but when you…”

“Floria, I don’t mean to interrupt. I know you’re trying to be kind, but the last thing I want to do is discuss the end of my relationship. Casey was the love of my life, and I will not discuss her with anyone.”

Ethan covered, but he was taken aback by his own words and how easily they came out. He instantly regretted saying them, especially to Floria. Normally he maintained such control of his personal life, no one in the hospital ever knew anything about it. So this lapse was difficult for him to comprehend.

“The love of your life? God, Ethan, I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t know how serious things were between you… that’s got to be…” she sighed, frustrated “but then Ethan, why the hell did you break up with her then?”

He shook his head in annoyance, “And how did you know that?”

“Everyone knows Ethan. I don’t get it. If you finally found what you always wanted, why would you do this?”

“Because I didn’t find what I always wanted. I found a woman I loved, I didn’t find the life I had planned.”

Floria shook her head.

“But you could have, Ethan. People change. Why don’t you consider…”

“Floria, please…”

“OK, fine. Look, just stay here a second. I’ll be right back.”

“My lucky day.”

“I heart that,” she said turning around as he shrugged.

A moment later she returned and placed a small bag in front of him.

“Here.”

“What’s this.”

“It’s a Napoleon, take it and have it later. I saw them baking them, it’s the desert special today and, believe it or not, they’re pretty good. I remember they were your favorite and, well, I think you could use a little pick me up.”

The corners of his lips raised, very slightly. “Well, thank you. They were once my favorite, but I try to eat healthier these days.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake Ethan! I’m not suggesting you make this your breakfast every day. But it is alright to treat yourself occasionally. And right now, you could use a little treat.”

His mind immediately flickered back to the day he met Casey. They were standing near the vending machine when she tossed a chocolate bar his way.

“Saw you kept staring at it. You know, it’s OK to treat yourself sometimes.”

How can you feel your heart warm and stomach churn from the very same memory? Because that’s exactly what happened.

“Ethan, did I say something wrong?”

“No. No, I’m sorry. You’re right, I should treat myself every now and again.”

She smiled at him. “I know right now a lot of lines have been drawn against you, even though some is your own doing, but that doesn’t make it less lonely. Ethan, if people are offering you kindness, take it. Including me because I do care. But for now, I’ll leave you in peace. I know that’s what you want.”

“Floria,” he called as she walked away.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for the pastry.”

She smiled over her shoulder, “You’re welcome.”

If people are offering you kindness, take it. It kept replaying in his head.

He picked up his phone and looked at his text messages. He only saved messages from select people who mattered to him, all others were immediately deleted. Currently, there were only four people saved. Most recently, there were texts from Alan and Naveen. Tobias’s message from the other night remained. Then there were Casey’s. He nearly deleted the night he ended things, the reminders too painful. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even if the life they shared no longer remained, he wanted something to prove that it had happened. He swallowed as he felt tears stinging his eyes. He knew he hurt her terribly, and she was not the only one.

He opened the messages from Alan. For every ten sent to him, he replied once. Even then, it was a short, curt response. He rubbed his face and tossed the phone in his pocket. He began to stand but promptly fell back into his seat. Taking out the phone, he rapidly dialed, as if he wanted to complete the task before his mind changed.

“Hey, Dad. It’s me. Yeah, I was wondering, do you have any time free on Saturday? I’m off and I thought maybe we could have dinner together.”

____________________

Casey was lounging around, catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. A vague recollection of her conversation with Jackie came into her head.

Wow, he does look a little like Dr. Avery. How did I never see this before? Humph.

She was faring better than she expected. Her hangover remedy still worked! She decided to take a long shower before heading to the farmer’s market. As she walked to her bathroom, she remembered Tobias told her she could always use his bathtub. The incredible freestanding tub is next to a glass wall with incomparable views of Boston. If there was ever a day to luxuriate there, this was it. She grabbed her phone:

Casey picked out a favorite bath bomb then retreated to the tub for a good hour. She could never understand how that man never used this; it was perfection. When she finally convinced herself to step out of it, she wrapped herself in Tobias’s big, white terry bathrobe. Well, it was hers now, she commandeered it a few days after she moved in. He said he never used it anyway, and it looked like it cost half of her paycheck, so she was all too happy to accept it. Once the belt was tied, she wrapped her head in a fluffy white towel and headed to the kitchen to make lunch.

She was standing at the island making tuna salad when she heard a key in the door.

See, he does pop in during the day! And he said I shouldn’t text about the bath!

“Hey T!” She yelled, “I’m making tuna salad for lunch, want some?”

“Well, I don’t know about him, but I might like to?”

Casey’s eyes darted up to find an elegantly dressed, attractive woman standing before her. Perfectly accessorized in her expensive white suit, she looked more put together than Casey had ever looked in her entire life.

“Who are you? And what are you doing here?”

“Uhm, I live here. Who are you, and why are you here?”

“Just a moment… are you saying you live with my son?”

Casey gasped as a look of horror spread across her face.

“You’re... you’re Tobias’s mother?”

“Yes. And you are?”

“Oh, I’m Casey,” she said wiping her hand off on her robe before extending it.

“I’m Vivian,” she replied looking at her hand, slightly appalled, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Now I’ll ask again. You’re living with my son?”

“Oh, I mean, yes, I live here. Like in this apartment. But, no I’m not living with Tobias, in that way.”

“And, why not? Are you implying that there is something wrong with my son?”

“Oh... no... no not at all. Tobias is wonderful… he’s a wonderful man… I mean, I adore him… but, but we’re just, we’re just friends.”

Vivian coolly eyed Casey from head to toe, then back again. Casey found herself wishing that the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

“Hmmm. Well, Tobias’s father and I were just friends once too. Things can change, you know.”

Vivian walked into the apartment with her suitcase in hand. She headed down the hallway to the large guest room, now Casey’s room. Vivian observed that its door was shut, but the door to Tobias’s bedroom was open, what’s more, there were a few wet footprints leading out from it.

“Casey, dear, can you come here a moment?”

“Of course,” she said running over.

“You said that you and Tobias are not together… in the biblical sense. Correct?”

“Correct. We’re not. He’s just my good friend.”

“Yet you’re standing here, in what appears to be his bathrobe…”

“Oh, he gave it to me when I moved in, he didn’t use it and… with all due respect, where is this going?”

“Patience, child, I’m getting there. Are you staying in the large guest room?”

“Yes. But if that’s where you usually stay, I can….”

“Relax, dear. I have no problem taking the other guest room. But… why are there wet footprints coming from my son’s room, and not yours?”

She eyed Casey suspiciously.

“Oh, because he’s not here. He told me I could use his tub, because I like the view and I had a rough night last night, and he said I could…”

“Mmmm hmmm, go on….”

“Well, that’s really all there is to it.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Casey spied the farmer’s market list Tobias had left for her this morning. Her eyes bulged when she saw he signed it “Daddy.” That asshole. Casey quickly grabbed the note, crumbling it and placing it behind her back.

Vivian turned immediately.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine. Thank you.”

“You seem awfully, skittish… what are you hiding behind your back?”

“It’s, it’s just a note. I was writing it to my… friend… uhm, and it’s private.”

“You’re friend?”

“Yes.”

“Like my son is a friend?”

“Yes, but… oh, no, this wasn’t for Tobias. It’s another friend. I have another friend, I mean, Tobias is not my only friend.” Casey was turning red, “They’re both friends.”

“Sweetheart,” Vivian said placing her hand on Casey’s elbow, “you should calm down, I don’t bite you know. What on earth has my son told you about me?”

“Oh, only good things.”

Vivian stared at her pointedly.

“I’m serious, he never said anything bad. Only that he’s afraid to introduce you to his female friends. And here I am… his female friend… in his bathrobe… living in his house… and meeting you… without the benefit of him being here.”

“Don’t be frightened, Casey. Now, moving along, do you know where my son is?"

"Yes, he's working."

"Excellent. I'll call him. Oh, and I'll let him know that the three of us will be having dinner together this evening."

"Oh, that's very sweet of you, but I work a late shift tonight."

"Dear, they do give you a dinner break, now, don't they?"

"Well... yes..."

"Well, then there you go. Just let Tobias know what time he should pick you up at the hospital. We won't keep you too long."

"But you haven't talked to him yet. Maybe he doesn't want to..."

She wordlessly stared at Casey, slightly tilting her head to the side.

"On second thought, I have no doubt in my mind that he will want to."

"Exactly! I like you, Casey. I am looking forward to dinner tonight. I am certain it will be delightful."

“Oh, uhm, where are you going?”

“I’m going to see about getting a hotel room. I came unexpectedly and I don’t want to…. intrude… on you and Tobias, so…”

“No, Vivian. You’re not intruding, seriously, I mean, seriously Tobias and I are just friends. I mean, if you normally take the larger guest room, and you want that, I’ll gladly sleep in the smaller one while you’re here…”

Vivian sighed, disappointed. “So, you really are sleeping in the guestroom?”

“Yes.”

Vivian shook her head woefully.

“That’s too bad. It’s OK, dear, you stay in your room. The smaller one is fine, for now. But next time, perhaps I can stay in the big one again.”

“Well, I mean, I could be living someplace else, so maybe…”

“That’s not what I meant,” she said winking.

Dear God, now I know where Tobias gets all his bravado from!

Casey ran to her room and text Tobias:

T!!! 911!!! Your MOM is here!! Did you know she was coming?!

Her phone rang immediately.

“WHAT?”

“T! Why aren’t you texting me? I don’t want to talk, what if she hears me?! Ugh, let me go to my bathroom!”

“Run the water while you’re at it…”

“OK, OK… so I’m in the kitchen making lunch, in my, well, in your, bathrobe and she walks in. I thought it was you, so I offered lunch and… she introduced herself.”

“Case, she’s calling me on the other line. I’m going to take it; I’ll call you right back.”

Casey quickly got dressed and brushed her hair. If she was going to see Vivian again, she thought it would be best for her to be clothed.

Her phone rang.

“T?”

“So, apparently the three of us are having dinner tonight?”

“She wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Tobias laughed, “What else did she put you through?”

“Well, she seems to be quite disappointed that I’m not sleeping with you.”

Tobias snorted, “She what?”

“I mean, she didn’t come right out and say it, but it was highly implied.”

“Oh, dinner is going to be amusing. You can save yourself and fake a work emergency.”

“First, I think your mom would show up at Edenbrook and demand to speak to Naveen insisting he find a replacement for me. Second, are you kidding? And miss out on all this fun?

“Fun you say?”

“Yeah, fun.”

He started roaring, “Oh, sweetheart, you are in for a very interesting evening. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

____________________

Tobias’s shift ended at 7:30 and Casey’s dinner break was at 8:00. To make things easier, he arranged for a taxi to bring his mother to the hospital, instructing her to meet them in the lobby. This way they could all leave together. Casey insisted on meeting her with Tobias. She was a little scared about Vivian’s line of questioning could be, especially within earshot of coworkers. When they exited the elevator together laughing, Vivian beamed.

“Tobias! Darling!” she said rushing to her son. “Let me get a look at you dear!”

“Mom,” he said pulling her into a warm embrace, “please, don’t make me spin around to see how much I have grown in front of my professional associates.”

“Oh, stop it now! I am just so happy to see you!”

“You’re a week early!”

“I text you last night, you never answered.”

Tobias thought back. He had been too preoccupied worrying about Casey last night, so he never opened the message from his mother.

“Casey! Lovely seeing you again, dear.”

“Likewise.”

As Casey and Tobias stood next to each other, Vivian moved to stand before them. She sighed placing her right arm on Tobias and her left on Casey.

“You do realize that the two of you would make an absolutely striking couple, don’t you?”

“Oh, God!” Casey gasped.

“MA!” Tobias yelled, both turning bright red.

“I warned you,” Tobias whispered to Casey.

“I heard that.”

“I intended for you to.”

Casey cleared her throat, “So, where are we going to eat?”

“Great way to change the conversation dear. She’s not only beautiful and intelligent, but she also has social graces. You could do worse, son.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Tobias muttered.

“Eating? Eating? Where are we eating?” Casey asked nervously.

“Oh, yeah. Scampo. It’s right around the corner, we can walk, and Case you can leave early if you must. Plus, it will meet my mother’s standards.”

“There is nothing wrong with high standards, my son.”

“T, how did you score a table at Scampo at the last moment?”

“Hey, I know people. If I am having dinner with my two favorite ladies, I’m going to make things happen.”

Vivian raised an eyebrow at his statement, while Casey did not bat a lash.

____________________

Both Casey and Tobias appeared relieved when the host sat them at a table in a far corner of the room. With Vivian along, privacy would be a good thing.

“So, Casey, darling, tell me, how did you and my Tobias meet? Was it at work?”

“Mom…”

“Tobias, for heaven’s sake, she’s living with you. I’m sure it’s not an imposition to ask her how you met!”

Casey eyed neighboring tables; she didn’t see anyone from Edenbrook… phew.

“I met him while he was still at Kenmore.”

“Oh, so it’s been some time now. Continue….”

Casey shot Tobias a cunning glance. He narrowed his eyes looking back at her. She put her wine glass to her lips coquettishly.

“We met at a local diner. I was having breakfast with a friend, and he happened to be there. Quite by design though, as he was trying to poach her to work at Kenmore. Essentially he hoped it would help him lure her Aunt, a top surgeon at Edenbrook, over as well. In the long run, it didn’t work.”

“Really, Casey?” Tobias looked equally amused and annoyed, as he smirked at her.

Vivian smacked Tobias’s arm. “Did I not raise you better than that?”

“Ow! Hey, Mom, I was a different person back then. I wouldn’t do that now. I promise I’ve changed.”

“Care to explain.”

“Gladly, but not here with Casey. We can talk offline.”

Casey giggled as she took a spoon of her soup.

Tobias met her eyes and smiling wryly. “I’ll be talking to you offline too.”

Vivian lifted her glass of water. “Hmmm, I bet he will,” she said under her breath.

“Mom! And thank you for this, Casey. It’s much appreciated.”

“I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to live off of Bryce’s couch now.”

“Oh, heavens no!” Vivian exclaimed, “Oh, you are not going anywhere young lady. I mean unless it is to the main bedroom.”

Casey spit out her wine.

“MOM!!!!”

“Oh, stop it. I’m jesting. I jest. That’s what I do.”

“You know, Vivian, my father always says that many a truth is said in jest.”

“Your father sounds like a wise man, one who clearly raised a lovely daughter. I simply can’t wait to meet him.”

Tobias ran his hands down his very reddened face.

“Mom, there is no reason for you to meet him.”

“Whatever Tobias.” She turns to look at Casey. “So, how did you become such good… friends… after such a dismal meeting?”

Without looking at him, she hit Tobias’s arm again.

“OW!”

Casey giggled, “We ran into each other a few times, and then, well, then he helped save my life. I probably wouldn’t be sitting here now if not for Tobias.”

“Case, I was just part of a team. I can’t take credit… though I’d love to because I couldn’t be happier that you are here.”

“Wait, I’m lost. He did what now?”

“Mom, Casey was the doctor I told you about when there was the...” he looked at Casey who nodded her consent, “… when there was the attack at Edenbrook.”

Vivian gasped, “Casey, that was you? Oh, darling, I had no idea. I’m, I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you, but… that’s in the past now.”

“So, beautiful, intelligent, social graces and strong. My dear, do you have any bad qualities?”

“I’m a lousy cook,” she said with a nervous laugh.

“Well, you more than make up for it. Besides, my son can cook, and he can afford to pay someone to do it if need be.”

Casey burst out laughing, and now it was Tobias wishing the floor of the restaurant would swallow him whole.

“Tobias, this begs the question. If you were instrumental in saving her life, why did you not take the opportunity to ask her out then?”

“Mom, even if I wanted to, we were both with other people at that time.”

“Who were you with? I do not recall you being with anyone.”

“You didn’t know her, Mom. It wasn’t anything serious and, well, she wasn’t worthy of being introduced to you,” he grinned.

“Hmm. And this is why you’re nearly forty years old without a wife. This is why I have no grandchildren.” She shook her head, mildly disgusted while continuing to eat her food, “Wasting time on all those unworthy to meet you mother types.”

Casey covered her mouth to suppress a grin while looking at Tobias out of the corner of her eye.

“If this, unworthy woman, was so unimportant, then that would have been the perfect moment to cast her out in order to be with the love of your life.”

“OHMYGOD!” Casey said leaning forward and placing her head in her hands.

Tobias threw his head back, roaring with laughter.

“I warned you! I warned you! But no, you insisted I was joking. Keep egging her on, MacTavish, see where it gets you.”

“So, he has told you bad things about me then?”

“No! No, not really bad per… oh, just give me more wine.”

“Don’t worry, Mom has informed me she has a new boyfriend, so she won’t be around much this holiday season. We can get all this pain out of the way now.”

“We will be in Tahiti for Christmas and New Year’s. I tried to get Tobias to join us, but he wanted to remain close to home. Now I understand why.”

“It’s not going to stop, is it?” Casey asked Tobias.

“For you? Yeah, as soon as she leaves, for me... no, never. This is the rest of my life.”

“Now stop that Tobias, I have every intention of asking this lovely young woman for her phone number before I leave. I will be encouraging her as well.”

“Tobias,” Casey asked, “is three glasses of wine too much for me to drink before heading back to work?”

“Not tonight.”

“Anyway, none of that matters. I will be hosting a holiday celebration at my townhome in DC in January; that would be the perfect time to introduce you two to our family and friends.”

“Mom, for the fiftieth time, Casey is not my girlfriend.”

She looked at Casey and lightly tapped her arm, “Excuse me, darling, he is a little slow.”

“I am talking about JanuaryTobias. That gives you plenty of time to get your life together and do the right thing. In fact, if you could do it by December, we could send your Christmas card to everyone in advance.”

Casey returned her face to her hands on the table.

“Mom, if there was any remote chance of Casey and I being together one day, I think you probably ruined it over this dinner.”

“Casey, is that true?”

“Uhm, uh… Vivian… all I can say is that anyone would be fortunate to have you as a mother-in-law… as long as you like them, that is.”

Vivian turned smugly toward Tobias. “I like her.”

“I knew you would, Mom. I knew you would.”

Casey laughed, “Well, as enjoyable as this has been, I am already late for work. Vivian, how long are you staying? Will I see you tomorrow?”

“I leave tomorrow night, but I’ll make other arrangements if need be. I would simply love to spend more time with you.”

“Oh, Joy,” Tobias sighed.

“I look forward to it! Now, duty calls.”

The table remained quiet for several minutes after Casey left.

“You know, Mom, sometimes when you hit me… it hurts.”

“You know, son, sometimes when you need some sense knocked into you, I am going to do it.”

He laughed, “I’ve missed you. It’s been too long.

“It has, but I will be staying in DC more after the holidays, so it will be easier for us to see each other. So, now that we are alone, tell me, how long have you been in love with Casey? And pick your jaw up off the floor, Tobias, I’m your mother, I can read you like a book.”

Tobias inhaled. “Mom, Casey… she means… I.…”

“Tell me you don’t love her.”

Tobias thought back to the day he told Bryce about Harper confronting him about his feelings for Casey:

I wanted to deny it, I tried to deny it, and that is when I knew I was so screwed because, as much as I wanted to, I could not deny what I felt for her any more than I could will myself to stop breathing.

If he couldn’t bring himself to lie to Harper, he certainly couldn’t do it to his mother. Besides, she’d see right through it. He looked around the restaurant, they were mostly alone

“Mom, I… I do love her. Deeply, as a matter of fact, but… it’s not important. I don’t plan on acting on it and you will need to respect that.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Tobias. You’re 37 years old and this is the first time you have ever told me you love a woman. Why on earth wouldn’t you pursue it?”

“She was heartbroken recently. She was essentially dumped by the man who is, likely, the love of her life.”

“Hmm, and you could change that designation. As far as I see, they are no longer together, and she’s living with you.”

“It was Ethan, Mom.”

“Ethan? Ethan Ramsey?”

“Yes.”

“As in your former best friend and current boss, Ethan Ramsey?”

“Yes, and we’re sort of friends again too.”

“Oh, son…”

“Now do you understand?”

“Understand? Oh, hell no. I mean, I see the complications, for sure, but resigning yourself to not even try to be with the woman you love? No, don’t ask me to understand that foolishness.”

“The timing is just. It’s…”

“When we get back to your place, we’re going to talk. You’re aware that your father and I experienced difficulty with our families when we were first together. But you don’t know is that complications between he and I almost led us to never being together. If we hadn’t taken a chance, I would have missed out on the love of my life, and on you.”

“Mom…”

“Tobias, one day we all reach the end, my love, it’s unavoidable. And, when we do, it will be the chances that we didn’t take that we will regret the most.”

Tobias remained silent, trying to absorb his mother’s message and reconcile it with his own thoughts.

“I love you, Mom.”

“Of course, you do, dear. I’m extraordinary.”

“That you are.”

“I love you too son, now, let's go home. I have more talk for you.”

“And I have more wine.”

______________________

The next day Tobias was about to leave for work when he noticed a crumpled piece of paper under a table in the hall. He picked it up, it was the farmer’s market list he left for Casey yesterday. He chuckled to himself and looked at his watch. Casey said not to let her sleep later than this anyway. He decided to get her back for outing his bad behavior with Aurora in front of his mother last night. Besides, this was going to be fun.

She answered her bedroom door, her eyes barely opened. “Hmmm…”

“Hey, you said not to let you sleep later than this, but we also have an issue.”

“An issue?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

He handed her the note. “Why on earth did you leave this laying around?”

She took it in her hands and woke up in an instant.

“Oh my God, tell me you found this? Right now! Tell me you were the one that found this!”

“I’d love to, but my mom handed it to me fifteen minutes ago. It was on the floor in the hall.”

Casey started pacing in circles.

“Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. No. No. No. No. Oh, God… T what did you tell her?”

“I told her it’s just a sex thing. That’s all it is between us and she shouldn’t get her hopes up beyond that.”

Casey’s face fell, then relaxed. “Ha, ha. You’re funny. What did you really say?”

“That’s what I really said, Case. I mean, this way she’ll get off our backs. Besides, you’ve met her now, do you think she would have believed the truth?”

Casey smacked Tobias in the chest.

“OW! What is it with you two?”

“Don’t you OW me! You… T… I mean… UGH! How could you?”

“Well, actually I’m only….”

The word “joking” was left hanging as Casey grabbed the door handle and ran out of the room before Tobias could stop her.

“WAIT! Case! Don’t!”

He ran after her, but she was already in the kitchen where Vivian was reading the morning paper.

“Vivian,” she yelled, causing her to lift her head from the paper.

Tobias rushed in and tried to talk, but Casey wouldn’t have it.

“Oh no, you!” She said holding an admonishing finger in his direction, “You’ve done enough already! Vivian, there is no sex thing between Tobias and me! The note said Daddy because of an inside joke that originated with me being super drunk one night, that’s all. Oh, and your son is an idiot.”

Tobias stood behind Casey making a poor attempt to stifle his laughter, as Vivian looked on astonished.

“Now, Casey dear, why on earth would you volunteer this information to me?”

Casey turned beet red and turned to Tobias who was now doubled over laughing.

“TOBIAS!”

“Oh, my… Case, I wanted to… oh, God…” he was laughing too hard to speak.

“TOBIAS?”

“Case,” he said with tears on his cheeks, “Oh my God, Case… this… this was priceless. I was about to tell you that I was joking with, but you had to go all Road Runner down the hall and….” he stopped, laughing hysterically again.

“I am going to freaking KILL you!” Casey said smacking him.

“Stop, stop!” he yelled while still laughing.

“UUUGGHH!” I’m never speaking to you again.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Vivian, I’m so sorry, I’m going to my room to… to die of embarrassment!”

She glared at Tobias, “I hate you!” she said stomping off.

“No, you don’t!”

“Yes, I do!” she said as she slammed the door.

Tobias looked at his mom, still unable to stop laughing.

“That was all a joke, mom. All of it.”

Vivian peered at him from over her glasses.

“Not a word from you,” he said smirking.

“Mmmm-hmmm, I’ve got nothing to say about any of this nonsense. Now you two just get your business together before my party in January.”

___________________

Casey emerged from her room after Tobias departed to work.

“Vivian?” she said uncomfortably, “I just wanted to say…”

“Dear, come sit with me. You don’t have to say a thing. Remember, I birthed that clown and I have been putting up with his crazy for a long time. You have nothing to be worried about.”

Casey let out a deep sigh. “Thank God, thank you. I feel much better. I was mortified.”

“But you can you please explain why he signed, Daddy?”

“Oh, you see, Tobias arranged for me and my friends to have this awesome girl’s night out, you know because he was trying to cheer me up because I’ve been going through a lot. So, we go out and had a great time, but I had entirely too much to drink, which isn’t normal for me, mind you, but like I said it’s been a rough time, so we were just cutting loose. Which was OK because T got us a limo, so no driving, no trains, he made sure we were all safe. Anyway… I got home, and I don’t even remember this because, oh my God, I’m so embarrassed, he was being all … ‘well you didn’t do anything to get in trouble right’ … ‘I mean you broke curfew hahaha’ … and ‘were you hanging out with boys hahaha’, So I wanted to say YES DAD, but in my drunken stupor… I’m sorry… I swear I haven’t been in a drunken stupor since college… but anyway I said Yes DADDY instead and your son is never, ever, ever, ever going to let me live that down, and now I hate him.”

Vivian had been leaning on her elbows staring at Casey bewilderingly.

“Dear, do you always ramble incoherently like that?”

“Only when I’m really scared or embarrassed. T finds it endearing.”

“I’m sure he does. You are endearing. I really do like you Casey.”

“Thank you. But are you going to torture Tobias now? I mean, it’s funny and all, but in time, I don’t want it to lead to anything that will make him uncomfortable with me.”

“Sweetheart, the way I know my son is sometimes a complete ass, he knows I am always going to be relentless with him. Trust me, it won’t impact you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I promise you that.”

Casey smiled, “Thank you because I really never want anything to come between me and Tobias. I hope you know, I am only joking when I say I hate him now. I don’t hate him… I could never possibly hate him.”

“I didn’t think you could.”

“He… he means too much to me. He… he’s too good to me and I don’t ever want anything to come between that.”

“I see.”

“Thank you.”

“Casey?”

“Yes.”

“Is there anything you want to say?”

“No. Nothing. There isn’t anything I want to say.”

“OK, then.”

Casey sighed. “Vivian?”

“Yes”

“I feel like… I feel like I can trust you.”

“You can. I may be pushy, but I have never broken anyone’s trust, and I never will.”

“That’s good.”

Casey remained silent, looking nervous.

“Casey. I know I jest, that’s what I do, but I am asking this in all seriousness. I sense… I sense that you do have feelings for Tobias, am I correct?”

“Uh, I don’t know what you mean.”

“I am very good at reading people, so I am going to ask you to please not lie to me, but more importantly, please don’t lie to yourself. I mean it, you can trust me.”

Casey looked out the window silently, she turned around and looked at Vivian.

“I believe that I do.”

As soon as she said it, she let out a deep sigh, as if she just let the world slip off her shoulders. It felt good to say it, even though she was trembling.

“I’ve loved him as a friend for a long time, we’re very close. But lately, I find myself… I am figuring it all out and, I don’t want to hurt what we already have. I never want to lose him. I don’t know if he feels the same way. I mean, he’s been really hung up on some woman for some time now… plus, I’m just out of a relationship that broke my heart into a million pieces, and it’s not mended yet. I am having trouble understanding myself these days. How am I not fully out of love with one person but, I think, I think I’m beginning to fall for another. See, I can’t… I don’t’ want to let anyone know because I’d never want to hurt Tobias.”

“Then don’t.”

Casey chuckled ruefully, “But it doesn’t always work that way, it’s not always that simple.”

“Casey, I’m going to talk to you as if you were my daughter. Life is all about choices. Now, if you believe that there is a chance that you would return to your life as it was. If you still feel like you would say yes if your ex wanted you back, then, yes, by all means, don’t say or do anything about your feelings. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. But if you’re confident that it is all in the past. If you can honestly say that you would never take him back, then the only direction to travel is forward. If that’s the case, why wait if you have found something good?”

She took Casey’s hand, “I want to tell you about me and my late husband. When we met, I was recently out of a relationship as well, and I had a lot of the same concerns you do. But I also knew that if I waited too long, I could lose my chance, and I didn't want to because I knew there was something special between us. And from that grew a wonderful marriage, a wonderful family, that lasted decades and I thank God for it every day. I’m not saying that’s everyone’s experience, and I can’t guarantee that it would be yours. But sometimes, in life, you have to take a risk to get a reward.”

Casey sat silently.

“I hope I haven’t upset you…”

“No, not at all. In fact, it feels so good to have said it. I have not told a soul, not even my therapist… although she is certainly going to hear about it this week. I know I’m not ready right now, Vivian, I’m not. So, please, please don’t push it. Maybe we could have something in the future, but I don’t want to ruin it by jumping into it now.”

“That’s wise. If the time comes where it is right, you will know it. Now, this conversation will never go further than you and me. I promise you; I will tone down my rhetoric a little, but I won’t completely cease. If I did, Tobias would be beyond suspicious trust me. I’ve been watching you both. I think you’d be good for each other; I certainly won’t do anything that could ruin its chances.”

“Thank you, Vivian.”

“Besides, I do want you together for other reasons. What my grandbabies would look like if the two of you… mmmm.”

“You’re relentless,” Casey laughed.

“Tobias did warn you about me, now, come here and give me a hug.”

Casey was amazed at how much Vivian’s hug felt just like one from her own mother, and she was surprised by how good it felt, how much she needed it. The women did exchange numbers, but Vivian never tortured Casey, only Tobias. But Casey smiled when Vivian stepped into her taxi, not because she was leaving because she was blessed to have yet another wonderful person in her life.

Casey laid on her bed staring at the ceiling. When does a person fall in love? Out of love? Do they overlap? She knew a part of her would love Ethan forever, regardless of his feelings for her. But after everything that had happened, a future together seemed almost impossible. She acknowledged that something was drawing her to Tobias, and now, looking back, was it always there? Was their bond so strong because it was something beyond friendship, but she just didn’t see it? Why would she have? She was so in love with Ethan she would never have seen it. Regardless, she knew she needed some time, but she also had to start giving this thought. Because she didn’t want to risk losing something that could be wonderful because of fear. Her therapist appointment was five days away. That was too long, she needed to talk to someone sooner. She picked up her phone.

“Hey, Sienna… do you think we could get together sometime in the next couple of days? Not here at my place, someplace private. I really need to talk.”

PERMA TAGS: @adiehardfan @barbean @binny1985 @bluebelle08

@bluerosesbloom @brokenmemoriesblog @charisworld @custaroonie @izzyourresidentlawyer @everybodyscreamsposts @jamespotterthefirst @jennieausten @kachrisberry @kalinahonore @lady-calypso @liaromancewriter @mia143 @mjlbwork @mm2305 @phoenixrising308 @pixelberrygirl @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @shewillreadyou @shygirl4295 @thegreentwin @txfledglingscribe @wanderingamongthewildflowers

OH Tags: @aishwarya26 @alina-yol-ramsey @chaoticchopshopheart @choicesaddict5 @coffeeheartaddict @dorisz @imma-too-many-fandoms @panda9584 @parisa-kh @queencarb @swiminthegarden @youlookappropriate @katrinegrey @rosebudde @sillydg

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

DTI TAGS WILL BE IN REBLOG

[path-of-my-childhood]

CABIN FEVER - Aaron Dessner: Producing folklore and evermore

Sound On Sound Magazine // March 2021 issue // By Tom Doyle

The pandemic gave Taylor Swift a chance to explore new musical paths, with two lockdown albums co-written and produced by the National's Aaron Dessner.

Few artists during the pandemic have been as prolific as Taylor Swift. In July 2020, she surprise-released folklore, a double-length album recorded entirely remotely and in isolation. It went on to become the biggest global seller of the year, with four million sales and counting. Then, in December, she repeated the trick with the 15-song evermore, which quickly became Swift's eighth consecutive US number one.

In contrast to her country-music roots and the shiny synth-pop that made her a superstar, both folklore and evermore showcased a very different Taylor Swift sound: one veering more towards atmospheric indie and folk. The former album was part-produced by Swift and her regular co-producer Jack Antonoff (St Vincent, Lana Del Rey), while the other half of the tracks were overseen by a new studio collaborator, Aaron Dessner of the National. For evermore, aside from one Antonoff-assisted song, Dessner took full control of production.

Good Timing

Although his band are hugely popular and even won a Grammy for their 2017 album Sleep Well Beast, Aaron Dessner admits that it initially felt strange for an indie-rock guitarist and keyboard player to be pulled into such a mainstream project. Swift had already declared herself a fan of the National, and first met the band back in 2014. Nonetheless, Dessner was still surprised when the singer sent him a text "out of the blue" last spring. "I mean, I didn't think it was a hoax," he laughs. "But it was very exciting and a moment where you think it's like serendipity or something, especially in the middle of the pandemic. When she asked if I would ever consider writing with her, I just happened to have a lot of music that I had worked really hard on. So, the timing was sort of lucky. It opened up this crazy period of collaboration. It was a pretty wild ride."

Since 2016, Aaron Dessner has been based at his self-built rural facility, Long Pond Studio, in the Hudson Valley, upstate New York. The only major change to the studio since SOS last spoke to Dessner in October 2017 has been the addition of a vintage WSW Siemens console built in 1965. "It had been refurbished by someone," he says, "and I think there's only three of them in the United States. I heard it was for sale from our friend [and the National producer/mixer] Peter Katis. That's a huge improvement here."

Although the National made Sleep Well Beast and its 2019 successor I Am Easy To Find at Long Pond, the band members are scattered around the US and Europe, meaning Dessner is no stranger to remote working and file sharing. This proved to be invaluable for his work with Swift. Dessner spent the first six weeks of lockdown writing music that he believed to be for Big Red Machine, his project with Bon Iver's Justin Vernon. Instead, many of these work-in-progress tracks would end up on folklore. Their first collaboration (and the album's first single), 'cardigan', for instance, emerged from an idea Dessner had been working on backstage during the National's European arena tour of Winter 2019.

"I sent her a folder and in the middle of the night she sent me that song," Dessner explains. "So, the next morning I was just listening to it, like, `Woah, OK, this is crazy."

On The Move

As work progressed, it quickly became apparent that Swift and Dessner were very much in tune as a songwriting and producing unit. There was very little Dessner had to do, he says, in terms of chopping vocals around to shape the top lines. "I think it's because I'm so used to structuring things like a song, with verses and choruses and bridges," he reckons. "In most cases, she sort of kept the form. If she had a different idea, she would tell me when she was writing and I would chop it up for her and send it to her. But, mostly, things kind of stayed in the form that we had."

Dessner and Swift were working intensively and at high speed throughout 2020, so much so that on one occasion the producer sent the singer a track and went out for a run in the countryside around Long Pond. By the time he got back, Swift had already written 'the last great american dynasty' and it was waiting for him in his inbox. "That was a crazy moment," he laughs. "One of the astonishing things about Taylor is what a brilliant songwriter she is and the clarity of her ideas and, when she has a story to tell, the way she can tell it. I think she's just been doing it for so long, she has a facility that makes you feel like you could never do what she's capable of. But we were a good pair because I think the music was inspiring to her in such a way that the stories were coming."

Swift's contributions to folklore were recorded in a makeshift studio in her Los Angeles home. Laura Sisk engineered the sessions as the singer recorded her vocals, using a Neumann U47, in a neighbouring bedroom. Live contact between Swift, Sisk, Dessner and Long Pond engineer Jonathan Low was done through real-time online collaboration platform Audiomovers.

"We would listen in remotely and kind of go back and forth," says Dessner. "We used Audiomovers and then we would have Zoom as a backup. But mainly we were just using Audiomovers, so we could actually be in her headphones. It's powerful, it's great. I've used it a lot with people during this time. Then, later on, when we recorded evermore, a lot of the vocals were done here at the studio actually when Taylor was visiting when we did the [Disney+ documentary] Long Pond Sessions. But Taylor's vocals for folklore were all done remotely."

Keeping Secrets

Given the huge international interest in Swift, the team had to work with an elaborate file-sharing arrangement to ensure that the tracks didn't leak online. Understandably, Dessner won't be drawn on the specifics. "Yeah, I mean we had to be very careful, so everything was very secretive," he says. "There were passwords on both ends and we communicated in a specific way when sharing mixes and everything. There was a high level of confidentiality and data encryption. It was sort of a learning curve.

"I'm not used to that," he adds, "'cause usually we're just letting files kind of fly all over the Internet [laughs]. But I think with someone like her, there's just so many people that are paying attention to every move that she makes, which can be a little, I think, oppressive for her. We tried to make it as comfortable as possible and we got used to how to get things to her and back to us. It worked pretty well."

Drums & Guitars

For the generally minimalist beat programming on the records, Dessner would sometimes turn to his more expensive new analogue drum generators - Vermona's DRM1 and Dave Smith's Tempest - but more often used the Synthetic Bits iOS app FunkBox. "There's just a lot of great vintage drum machine sounds in there, and they sound pretty cool, especially if you overdrive it," he says. "Often I send that through an amplifier, or through effects into an amplifier. Then I have a [Roland) TR-8 and a TR-8S that I use a lot. I also use the drum machine in the [Teenage Engineering] OP-1. So, a song like 'willow', that's just me tapping the OP-1."

Elsewhere, Dessner's guitar work appears on the tracks, with the intricate melodic layering on 'the last great american dynasty' from folklore having been inspired by Radiohead's In Rainbows. "Almost all of the electric guitar on Taylor's records is played direct through a REDDI DI into the Siemens board," he says. "It's usually just my 1971 Telecaster played direct and it just sounds great. Oftentimes I just put a little spring reverb on it and sometimes I'll overdrive the board like it's an amplifier, 'cause it breaks up really beautifully.

"I have a 1965 [Gibson] Firebird that I play usually through this 1965 Fender Deluxe Reverb. So, if I am playing into an amp, that's what it is. But on 'the last great american dynasty', those little pointillistic guitars, that's just played direct with the Telecaster through the board."

Elsewhere, Aaron Dessner took Taylor Swift even further out of her sonic comfort zone. A key track on folklore, the Cocteau Twins-styled 'epiphany', features her voice amid a wash of ambient textures, created by Dessner slowing down and reversing various instrumental parts in Pro Tools. "I created a drone using the Mellotron [MD4000D] and the Prophet and the OP-1 and all kinds of synth pads," he says. "Then I duplicated all the tracks, and some of them I reversed and some of them I dropped an octave. All manner of using varispeed and Polyphonic Elastic Audio and changing where they were sitting. Just to create like this Icelandic glacier of sounds was my idea. Then I wrote the chord progression against that.

"The [Pro Tools] session was not happy," he adds with a chuckle. "It kept crashing. Eventually I had to print the drone but I printed it by myself and there was some crackle in it. It was distorting. And then I couldn't recreate it so Jon Low, who was helping me, was kind of mad at me 'cause he was like, 'You can't do that.' And I was like, 'Well, I was working quickly. I didn't know it'd become a song."

Orchestra Of Nowhere

Meanwhile, the orchestrations that appear on several of the tracks were scored by Aaron's twin brother and National bandmate, Bryce Dessner, who is located in France. "I would just make him chord charts of the songs and send them to him in France," Aaron says. "Then he would orchestrate things in Sibelius and send the parts to me. I would send the parts and the instrumental tracks to different players remotely and they would record them literally in their bedrooms or in their attics. None of it was done as a group, it was all done separately. But that's how we've always worked in the National so it's quite natural."

On folklore standout track 'exile', Justin Vernon of Bon Iver delivered his stirring vocal for the duet remotely from his home in Eaux Claires, Wisconsin. "He's renovating his studio, so he has a little home studio in his garage," says Dessner. "It was Taylor's idea to approach him. I sent him Taylor's voice memo of her singing both parts, and he got really excited and loved the song and then he wrote the extra part in the bridge.

"I do a lot of work remotely with Justin also, so it was easy to send him tracks and he would track to it and send back his vocals. I was sending him stems, so usually it's just a vocal stem of Taylor and an instrumental stem and then if he wants something deeper, I'll give him more stems. But generally, he's just working with the vocal layers and an instrumental."

Vernon also provided the grainy beat that kicks off 'closure', one of two tracks on evermore that started life as a sketch for the second Big Red Machine album. "It was this little loop that Justin had given me in this folder of 'Starters', he calls them. I had heard that and been playing the piano to it. But I was hearing it in 5/4, although it's not in 5/4. 'Closure' really opened everything up further. There were no real limits to where we were gonna try to write songs."

Given the number of remote players, Dessner says there were surprisingly few problems with the file swapping and that it was a fairly painless technical process. "It was pretty smooth, but there were issues," he admits. "Sometimes sample-rate issues, or if I happened to give someone an instrumental that was an MP3, that sometimes lines up differently than if you send them an actual WAV that's bounced on the grid. So, sometimes I'd have to kinda eyeball things.

"If there was trouble it started to be because of track counts. I probably only used 20 percent of what was actually recorded, 'cause we would try a lot of things, y'know. So, eventually the sessions got kinda crazy and you'd have to deactivate a lot of things and print things. But we got used to that."

Soft Piano

Aaron Dessner's characteristic dampened upright piano sound, familiar from the National's albums, is much in evidence throughout both folklore and evermore. "The upright is a Yamaha U1 that I've had for more than a decade. Usually, I play it with the soft pedal down and that's the sound of 'hoax' or 'seven' or 'cardigan', y'know, that felted sound. It kind of almost sounds like an electric piano.

"I always mic it the same way, just with two [AKG] 414s, and they're always the same distance off the wall. I had a studio in Brooklyn for 10 years and then when I moved here, I copied the same [wooden] pattern on the wall. And the reason I did that is 'cause of how much I love how this piano sounds bouncing off that wall. It just does something really special for the harmonics."

When on other folklore songs, such as 'exile' or 'the 1', where the piano was the main sonic feature of the track, Dessner played his Steinway grand. "A lot of times we use a pair of Coles [4038s] on the Steinway, just cause it's darker. But sometimes we'll have the 414s there as well and choose."

Keeping Warm

On both folklore and evermore, Taylor Swift's voice is very much front and center and high in the mix, and generally sounds fairly dry. "I think the main thing was I wanted her vocals to have a more full range than maybe you typically hear," Dessner explains. "'Cause I think a lot of the more pop-oriented records are mixed a certain way and they take some of the warmth out of the vocal, so that it's very bright and it kinda cuts really well on the radio. But she has this wonderful lower warmth frequency in her voice which is particularly important on a song like `seven'. If you carved out that mud, y'know, it wouldn't hit you the same way. Or, like, `cardigan', I think it needs that warmth, the kind of fuller feeling to it. It makes it darker, but to me that's where a lot of emotion is."

Effects-wise, almost all of the treatments were done in the box. "There's no outboard reverbs printed," says Dessner. "The only things that we did print would be like an [Eventide] H3000 or sometimes the [WEM] CopiCat tape delay for just a really subtle slap. But generally, it's just different reverbs in the box that Jon was using. He uses the Valhalla stuff quite a bit and some other UAD reverbs, like the [Capitol] Chambers. I often just use Valhalla VintageVerb and the [Avid] Black Spring and simple things."

In some instances, the final mix ended up being the never-bettered rough mix, while other songs took far more work. "'cardigan' is basically the rough, as is `seven'. So, like the early, early mixes, when we didn't even know we were mixing, we never were able to make it better. Like if you make it sound 'good', it might not be as good 'cause it loses some of its weird magic, y'know. But songs like `the last great american dynasty' or 'mad woman', those songs were a little harder to create the dynamics the way you want them, and the pay-off without going too far, and with also just keeping in the kind of aesthetic that we were in. Those were harder, I would say.

"On evermore, I would say 'willow' was probably the hardest one to finish just because there were so many ways it could've gone. Eventually we settled back almost to the point where it began. So, there's a lot of stuff that was left out of 'willow', just because the simplicity of the idea I think was in a way the strongest."

The subject of this month's Inside Track article, 'willow' was the first song written for evermore, immediately following the release of folklore. "It almost felt like a dare or something," Dessner laughs. "We were writing, recording and mixing all in one kind of work stream and we went from one record to the other almost immediately. We were just sort off to the races. We didn't really ever stop since April."

Rubber & Vinyl

Sometimes, Dessner and Swift drew inspiration from unlikely sources; `no body, no crime', for instance, started when he gave her a 'rubber bridge' guitar made by Reuben Cox of the Old Style Guitar Shop in LA. "He's my very old friend," says Dessner of Cox. "He buys undervalued vintage guitars. Stuff that was made in the '50s and '60s as sort of learner guitars, like old Silvertones and Kays and Harmonys. These kinds of guitars which now are quite special, but they're still not valued the same way that vintage Fenders or Gibsons are valued. Then, he customizes them.

"Recently he started retrofitting these guitars with a rubber bridge and flatwound strings. He'll take, like, an acoustic Silvertone from 1958 and put a bridge on it that's covered in this kind of rubber that deadens the strings, so it really has this kind of dead thrum to it. And he puts two pickups in there, one that's more distorted and one that's cleaner. They're just incredible guitars. I thought Taylor would enjoy having one 'cause she loves the sound. So, I had Reuben make one for her and she used it to write `no body, no crime'."

Another friend of Dessner's, Ryan Olsen, has developed a piece of software called the Allovers Hi-Hat Generator which helped create the unusual harmonic loops that feature on `marjorie'. "It's not available on the market," Dessner says of the software. "It's just something that he uses personally, but I think hopefully eventually it'll come out. I wouldn't say it's artificial intelligence software but there's something very intelligent about it [laughs]. It basically analyses audio information and is able to separate audio into identifiable samples and then put them into a database. You then can design parameters for it to spit out sequences that are incredibly musical.

"When Ryan comes here, he'll just take all kinds of things that I give him and run it through there and then it'll spit out, like, three hours of stuff. Then I go through it and find the layers that I love, then I loop them. You can hear it also on the song 'happiness', the drumming in the background. It's not actually played. That's drums that have been sampled and then re-analyzed and re-sequenced out of this Allovers Hi-Hat Generator."

The song `marjorie' is named after Swift's opera-singer grandmother and so, fittingly, her voice can be heard flitting in and out of the mix at the end of the track. "Taylor's family gave us a bunch of recordings of her grandmother," Dessner explains. "But they were from old, very scratchy, noisy vinyl. So, we had to denoise it all using [iZotope's] RX and then I went in and I found some parts that I thought might work. I pitch-shifted them into the key and then placed them. It took a while to find the right ones, but it's really beautiful to be able to hear her. It's just an incredibly special thing, I think."

Meet At The Pond

Taylor Swift finally managed to get together with Aaron Dessner and Jack Antonoff in September 2020 for the filming of folklore: the long pond studio sessions, featuring the trio live-performing the album. It also provided an opportunity for Swift to add her vocals to some of the evermore tracks.

"It did allow us to have more fun, I think," says Dessner. "Y'know, drink more wine and just kinda be in the same place and have the feeling of blasting the music here and dancing around and just enjoying ourselves. She's really a lovely person to hang out with, so in that sense I'm glad that we had that chance to work together in person.

"We were using a [Telefunken] U47 to record Taylor here," he adds. "Either we were using one of the Siemens preamps on the board, which are amazing. Or I have Neve 1064s [preamps/EQs] and we use a Lisson Grove [AR-i] tube compressor generally."

One entirely new song, `tis the damn season', came out of this face-to-face approach, which Swift wrote in the middle of the night after the team had stayed up late drinking. "We had a bunch of wine actually," Dessner laughs, "and then everybody went to sleep, I thought. But I think she must have had this idea swimming around in her head, 'cause the next morning when she arrived, she sang 'Us the damn season' for me in my kitchen. It's maybe my favourite song we've written together. Then she sang it at dinner for me and my wife Stine and we were all crying. It’s just that kind of a song, so it was quite special.”

National Unity

One key track on evermore, 'coney island', features all of the members of the National and sees Swift duetting with their singer Matt Berninger. "My brother [Bryce] actually originated that song," says Aaron Dessner. "I sent him a reference at one point - I can't remember what it was - and then he was sort of inspired to write that chord progression. Then we worked together to sort of develop it and I wrote a bunch of parts and we structured it.

"Taylor and William Bowery [the songwriting pseudonym of Swift's boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn] wrote 'coney island' and she sang a beautiful version. It felt kind of done, actually. But then I think we all collectively thought, Taylor and myself and Bryce, like this was the closest to a National song."

Dessner then asked the brothers who make up the National's rhythm section, drummer Bryan and bassist Scott Devendorf, to play on 'coney island'. Matt Berninger, as he often does with the band's own tracks, recorded his vocal at home in Los Angeles. "It was never in the same place, it was done remotely," says Dessner, "except Bryan was here at Long Pond when he played. It was great to collaborate as a band with Taylor."

No Compromise

folklore and evermore have been both enormous critical and commercial successes for Taylor Swift. Aaron Dessner reckons that making these anti-pop records has freed the singer up for the future. "I think it was very liberating for her," he says. "I think that's the thing that's been probably the biggest change for her has just been being able to make songs without compromise and then release them without the promotional requirements that she's used to from the past. Obviously, it comes at this time when we're all in lockdown and nobody can tour or go on talk shows or anything. But I think for her probably it will impact what she does in the future.

"But I also think she can shapeshift again," he concludes. "Who knows where she'll go? She's had many celebrated albums from the past, but to release two albums of this quality in such a short time, it really did shine a light on her songwriting talent and her storytelling ability and also just her willingness to experiment and collaborate. Somehow, I ended up in the middle of all that and I'm very grateful."

INSIDE TRACK - Jonathan Low: Secrets of the Mix Engineers

Sound On Sound Magazine // March 2021 issue // By Paul Tingen

From sketches to final mixes, engineer Jonathan Low spent 2020 overseeing Taylor Swift’s hit lockdown albums folklore and evermore.

“I think the theme of a lot of my work nowadays, and especially with these two records, is that everything is getting mixed all the time. I always try to get the songs to sound as finalised as they can be. Obviously that’s hard when you’re not sure yet what all the elements will be. Tracks morph all the time, and yet everything is always moving forwards towards completion in some way. Everything should sound fun and inspiring to listen to all the time.”

Speaking is Jonathan Low, and the two records he refers to are, of course, Taylor Swift’s 2020 albums folklore and evermore, both of which reached number one in the UK and the US. Swift’s main producer and co‑writer on the two albums was the National’s Aaron Dessner, also interviewed in this issue. Low is the engineer, mixer and general right‑hand man at Long Pond Studios in upstate New York, where he and Dessner spent most of 2020 working on folklore and evermore, with Swift in Los Angeles for much of the time.

“In the beginning it did not feel real,” recalls Low. “There was this brand‑new collaboration, and it was amazing how quickly Aaron made these instrumental sketches and Taylor wrote lyrics and melodies to them, which she initially sent to us as iPhone voice memos. During our nightly family dinners in lockdown, Aaron would regularly pull up his phone and say, ‘Listen to this!’ and there would be another voice memo from Taylor with this beautiful song that she had written over a sketch of Aaron’s in a matter of hours. The rate at which it was happening was mind‑blowing. There was constant elevation, inspiration and just wanting to continue the momentum.

“We put her voice memos straight into Pro Tools. They had tons of character, because of the weird phone compression and cutting midrange quality you just would not get when you put someone in front of a pristine recording chain. Plus there was all this bleed. It’s interesting how that dictates the attitude of the vocal and of the song. Even though none of the original voice memos ended up on the albums, they often gave us unexpected hints. These voice memos were such on‑a‑whim things, they were really telling. Taylor had certain phrasings and inflections that we often returned to later on. They became our reference points.”

Pond Life

The making of the National’s 2017 album Sleep Well Beast and the setup at Long Pond were covered in SOS October 2017; today the studio remains pretty much the same, with the exception of a new desk. “The main space is really big, and the console sits in the middle,” says Low. “In 2019, I installed a 1965 WSW/Siemens, which has 24 line‑in and microphone channels and another 24 line channels. WSW is the Austrian branch of Siemens usually built for broadcast. It’s loaded with 811510B channels. The build quality is insane, the switches and pots feel like they were made yesterday. To me it hints at the warm haze of a Class‑A Neve channel but sits further forward in the speakers. The midrange band on the passive EQ is a huge part of its charm, it really does feel like you’re changing the tone of the actual source rather than the recording. Most microphones go through the desk on their way into Pro Tools, though we sometimes use outboard Neve 1064 mic pres. Occasionally I use the Siemens to sum a mix.

“We have a pair of ATC SCM45 monitors, which sound very clear in the large room. The ceiling is very high, and the front wall is about 25 feet behind the monitors. There are diffusers on the sidewalls and the back walls are absorbing, so there are very few reflections. Aaron and I will be listening in tons of different ways. I’ll listen in my home studio with similar ATC SCM20 monitors or on my ‘70s Marantz hi‑fi setup. Aaron is always checking things in his car, and if there’s something that is bugging him, I’ll join him in his car to find out what he hears.”

Low works at Long Pond and with Dessner most of the time, though he does find time to do other projects, among hem this last year the War On Drugs, Waxahatchee and Nap Eyes. When lockdown started in Spring 2020, Low tacked up on supplies and "had a bunch f mixes lined up". Meanwhile, on the Eest Coast, Swift had seen her Lover Fest our cancelled. With help from engineer aura Sisk, she set up a makeshift studio which she dubbed Kitty Committee in bedroom in her Los Angeles home, and began working with long-term producer nd co-writer Jack Antonoff. At the end of April, however, Swift also started working with Dessner, which took the project in different direction. The impressionistic, atmospheric, electro-folk instrumentals Dessner sent her were mostly composed nd recorded by him at Long Pond, assisted by Low.

Sketching Sessions

The instrumental sketches Aaron makes come into being in different ways," elaborates Low. "Sometimes they are more fleshed-out ideas, sometimes they are less formed. But normally Aaron will set himself up in the studio, surrounded by instruments and synths, and he'll construct a track. Once he feels it makes some kind of sense I'll come in and take a listen and then we together develop what's there.

"I don't call his sketches demos, because while many instruments are added and replaced later on, most of the original parts end up in the final version of the song. We end up in the final version of the song. We try to get the sketches to a place where they are already very engaging as instrumental are already very engaging as instrumental tracks. Aaron and I are always obsessively listening, because we constantly want to hear things that feel inspiring and musical, not just a bed of music in the background. It takes longer to create, but in this case also gave Taylor more to latch onto, both emotionally and in terms of musical inspiration. Hearing melodies woven in the music triggered new melodies."

Not long after Dessner and Low sent each sketch to Swift, they would receive her voice memos in return, and they'd load them into the Pro Tools session of the sketch in question. Dessner and Low then continued to develop the songs, in close collaboration with Swift. "Taylor's voice memos often came with suggestions for how to edit the sketches: maybe throw in a bridge somewhere, shorten a section, change the chords or arrangement somewhere, and so on. Aaron would have similar ideas, and he then developed the arrangements, often with his brother Bryce, adding or replacing instruments. This happened fast, and became very interactive between us and Taylor, even though we were working remotely. When we added instruments, we were reacting to the way my rough mixes felt at the very beginning. Of course, it was also dictated by how Taylor wrote and sang to the tracks."

Dessner supplied sketches for nine and produced 10 of folklore's 16 songs, playing many different types of guitars, keyboards and synths as well as percussion and programmed drums. Instruments that were added later include live strings, drums, trombone, accordion, clarinet, harpsichord and more, with his brother Bryce doing many of the orchestrations. Most overdubs by other musicians were done remotely as well. Throughout, Low was keeping an overview of everything that was going on and mixing the material, so it was as presentable and inspiring as possible.

Mixing folklore

Although Dessner has called folklore an "anti-pop album", the world's number-one pop mixer Serban Ghenea was drafted in to mix seven tracks, while Low did the remainder.

"It was exciting to have Serban involved," explains Low, "because he did things I'd never do or be able to do. The way the vocal sits always at the forefront, along with the clarity he gets in his mixes, is remarkable. A great example of this is on the song 'epiphany'. There is so much beautiful space and the vocal feels effortlessly placed. It was really interesting to hear where he took things, because we were so close to the entire process in every way. Hearing a totally new perspective was eye-opening and refreshing.

"Throughout the entire process we were trying to maintain the original feel. Sometimes this was hard, because that initial rawness would get lost in large arrangements and additional layering. With revisions of folklore in particular we sometimes were losing the emotional weight from earlier more casual mixes. Because I was always mixing, there was also always the danger of over-mixing.

"We were trying to get the best of each mix version, and sometimes that meant stepping backwards, and grabbing a piano chain from an earlier mix, or going three versions back to before we added orchestration. There were definitely moments of thinking, 'Is this going to compete sonically? Is this loud enough?' We knew we loved the way the songs sounded as we were building them, so we stuck with what we knew. There were times where I tried to keep pushing a mix forward but it didn't improve the song — 'cardigan' is an example of a song where we ended up choosing a very early mix."

The Low Down

"I'm originally from Philadelphia," says Jonathan Low, "and played piano, alto saxophone and guitar when growing up. My dad is an electrical engineer and audiophile hobbyist, and I learned a lot about circuit design and how to repair things. I then started building guitar pedals and guitar amps, and recorded bands at my high school using a minidisc player and some binaural microphones. After that I did a music industry programme at Drexel University, and spent a lot of time working at the recording facilities there.

"This led to me meeting Brian McTear, a producer and owner of Miner Street Studios, which became my home base from 2009 to 2014. I learned a lot from him, from developing an interest in creating sounds in untraditional ways, to how to see a record through to completion. The studio has a two-inch 16-track Ampex MM1200 tape machine and a beautiful MCI 400 console which very quickly shaped the way I think about routing and signal flow. I'm lucky to have learned this way, because a computer environment is like the Wild West: there are no rules in terms of how to get from point A to point B. This flexibility is incredible, but sometimes there are simply too many options.

"l met Aaron [Dessned] because singer-songwriter Sharon van Etten recorded her second album, Epic [2010] at Miner Street, with Brian producing. Her third album, Tramp [2012] was produced by Aaron. They came to Philly to record drums and I ended up mixing a bunch of that record. After that I would occasionally go to work in Aaron's garage studio in Brooklyn, and this became more and more a regular collaboration. I then moved from Philly up to the Hudson Valley to help Aaron build Long Pond. We first used the studio in the spring of 2016, when beginning to record the National's album Sleep Well Beast."

Onward & Upward

folklore was finished and released in July 2020. In a normal world everyone might have gone on to do other things, but without the option of touring, they simply continued writing songs, with Low holding the fort. In September, many of the musicians who played on the album gathered at Long Pond for the shooting of a making-of documentary, folklore: the long pond studio sessions, which is streamed on Disney+.

The temporary presence of Swift at Long Pond changed the working methods somewhat, as she could work with Dessner in the room, and Low was able record her vocals. After Swift left again, sessions continued until December, when evermore was released, with Dessner producing or co-producing all tracks, apart from 'gold rush' which was co-written and co-produced by Swift and Antonoff. Low recorded many of Swift's vocals for evermore, and mixed the entire album. The lead single 'willow' became the biggest hit from the album, reaching number one in the US and number three in the UK.

"Before Taylor came to Long Pond," remembers Low, "she had always recorded her vocals for folklore remotely in Los Angeles or Nashville. When I recorded, I used a modern Telefunken U47, which is our go-to vocal mic — we record all the National stuff with that — going straight into the Siemens desk, and then into a Lisson Grove AR-1 tube compressor, and via a Burl A-D converter into Pro Tools. Taylor creates and lays down her vocal arrangements very quickly, and it sounds like a finished record in very few takes."

Devils In The Detail

In his mixes, Low wanted listeners to share his own initial response to these vocal performances. "The element that draws me in is always Taylor's vocals. The first time I received files with her properly recorded but premixed vocals I was just floored. They sounded great, even with minimal EQ and compression. They were not the way I'm used to hearing her voice in her pop songs, with the vocal soaring and sitting at the very front edge of the soundscape. In these raw performances, I heard so much more intimacy and interaction with the music. It was wonderful to hear her voice with tons of detail and nuances in place: her phrasing, her tonality, her pitch, all very deliberate. We wanted to maintain that. It's more emotional, and it sounds so much more personal to me. Then there was the music..."

The arrangements on evermore are even more 'chamber pop' than on folklore, with instruments like glockenspiel, crotales, flute, French horn, celeste and harmonium in evidence. "As listeners of the National may know, Aaron's and Bryce's arrangements can be quite dense. They love lush orchestration, all sorts of percussion, synths and other electronic sounds. The challenge was trying to get them to speak, without getting in the way of the vocals. I want a casual listener to be drawn in by the vocal, but sense that something special is happening in the music as well. At the same time, someone who really is digging in can fully immerse themselves and take in all the beauty deeper in the details of the sound and arrangement. Finding the balance between presenting all the musical elements that were happening in the arrangement and this really beautiful, upfront, real-sounding vocal was the ticket."

A particular challenge is that a lot of the detail that Aaron gravitates towards happens in the low mids, which is a very warm part of our hearing spectrum that can quickly become too muddy or too woolly. A lot of the tonal and musical information lives in the low mids, and then the vocal sits more in the midrange and high mids. There's not too much in the higher frequency range, except the top of the guitars, and some elements like a shaker and the higher buzzy parts of the synths. Maintaining clarity and separation in those often complex arrangements was a major challenge."

In & Out The Box

According to Low, the final mix stage for evermore was "very short. There was a moment in the final week or so leading up to the release where the songs were developed far enough for me to sit down and try to make something very cohesive and final, finalising vocal volume, overall volume, and the vibe. There's a point in every mix where the moves get really small. When a volume ride of 0.1dB makes a difference, you're really close to being done. Earlier on, those little adjustments don't really matter.

"I often try to mix at the console, with some outboard on the two-bus, but folklore was mixed all in the box, because we were working so fast, plus initially the plan was for the mixes to be done elsewhere. I ran a couple of mixes for evermore through the console, and `closure' was the only one that stuck. It was summed through the Siemens, with an API 2500 compressor and a Thermionic Culture Phoenix and then back into Pro Tools via the Burl A-D. I will use hardware when mixing in the box, though mainly just two units: the Eventide H3000, because I have not found any plug-ins that do the same thing, and the [Thermionic] Culture Vulture, for its very broad tone shaping and distortion properties.

"The writing and the production happened closely in conjunction with the engineering and mixing, and the arrangements were dense, making many of the sessions super hefty and actually quite messy. Sounds would constantly change roles in the arrangement and sometimes plug-ins would just stack up. So final mixing involved cleaning up the sessions and stemming large groups down."

Across The Rubber Bridge

The Pro Tools mix session of 'willow' has close to 100 tracks, though there's none of the elaborate bussing that's the hallmark of some modern sessions. At the top are six drum machine tracks in green from the Teenage Engineering OP-1, an instrument that was used extensively on the album. Below that are five live percussion tracks (blue), three bass tracks (pink), and an `AUX Drums' programming track. There's a 'rubber bridge' guitar folder and aux, OP-1 synth tracks, piano tracks, 'Dream Machine' (Josh Kaufman's guitar) and E-bow tracks, Yamaha, Sequential Prophet X, Moog and Roland Juno synth tracks, and Strings and Horns aux stem tracks.

"Most of the drum tracks were performed on the OP-1 by Aaron. These are not programmed tracks. Bryan Devendorf, drummer of the National, programmed some beats on a Roland TR-8S. I ran those though the Fender Rumble bass amp, which adds some woofiness, like an acoustic kit room mic. There's an acoustic shaker, and there's an OP-1 backbeat that's subtle in the beginning, and then gets stronger towards the end of the song. I grouped all the drum elements and the bass, and sent those out to a hardware insert with the Culture Vulture, for saturation, so it got louder and more and more harmonically rich. There is this subtle growing and crescendo of intensity of the rhythm section by the end.

"The 'rubber bridge' guitars were the main anchor in the instruments. These guitars have a wooden bridge wrapped in rubber, and sound a bit like a nylon-string guitar, or a light palm mute. They're very percussive and sound best when recorded on our Neumann U47 and a DI. On many of those DI tracks I have a [SPL] Transient Designer to lower the sustain and keep them punchy, especially in the low end. There's a folder with five takes of 'rubber bridge' guitar in this session, creating this wall of unique guitar sound.

"I treated the 'rubber bridge' guitars quite extensively. There's a FabFilter Pro-Q3 cutting some midrange frequencies and some air around 10kHz. These guitars can splash out in the high end and have a boominess that's in the same range as the low end of Taylor's vocal, so I had to keep these things under control. Then I used a SoundToys Tremolator, with a quarter-note tremolo that makes the accents in the playing a bit more apparent. I like to get the acoustic guitars a little bit out of the way for the less important beats, so I have the Massey CT5 compressor side-chained to the kick drum. I also used the UAD Precision K-Stereo to make the guitars a bit wider. The iZotope Ozone Exciter adds some high mids and high-end harmonic saturation sparkly stuff, and the SoundToys EchoBoy delay is automated, with it only coming on in the bridge, where I wanted more ambience."

Growing Pains

"Once we had figured out how to sit the 'rubber bridge' guitars in the mix, the next challenge was to work out the end of the song, after the bridge. Taylor actually goes down an octave with her voice in the last chorus, and at the same time the music continues to push and grow. That meant using a lot of automation and Clip Gain adjustment to make sure the vocal always stayed on top. There also are ambient pianos playing counter-melodies, and balancing the vocals, guitars and pianos was the main focus on this song. We spent a lot of time balancing this, particularly as the track grows towards the end.

"The vocal tracks share many of the same plug-ins and settings. On the main lead vocal track I added the UAD Pultec EQP-1A, with a little bit of a cut in the low end at 30Hz, and a boost at 8kHz, which adds some modern air. The second plug-in is the Oeksound Soothe, which is just touching the vocal, and it helps with any harsh resonance stuff in the high mids, and a little in the lower mids. Next is the UAD 1176AE, and then the FabFilter Pro-Q3, doing some notches at 200Hz, 1kHz, 4kHz and close to 10kHz. I tend to do subtractive EQ on the Q3, and use more analogue-sounding plug-ins, like the Pultec or the Maag, to boost. After that is the FabFilter Pro-DS [de-esser], taking off a couple of decibels, followed by the FabFilter Saturn 2 [saturation processor], on a warm tape setting.

"Below the vocal tracks are three aux effects tracks, for the vocals. 'Long Delay' has a stereo EchoBoy going into an Altiverb with a spring reverb, for effect throws in the choruses. 'Chamber' is the UAD Capitol Chamber, which gives the vocal a nice density and size, without it being a long reverb. The 'Plate' aux is the UAD EMT140, for the longer tail. These two reverbs work in conjunction, with the chamber for the upfront space, determining where the vocal sits in the mix, and the plate more for the depth behind that.

"At the bottom of the session is a two-bus aux, which mimics the way I do the two-bus on the desk. The plug-ins are the UAD Massive Passive EQ, UAD API 2500 compressor, and the UAD Ampex ATR102. Depending on the song, I will choose 15ips or 30ips. In this case it was set to 15ips, half-inch GP9. That has a nice, aggressive, midrange push, and the GP9 bottom end goes that little bit lower. There's also a PSP Vintage Warmer, a Sonnox Oxford Inflator, plus a FabFilter Pro-L2 [limiter]. None of these things are doing very much on their own, but in conjunction give me the interaction I expect from an analogue mix chain."

[foster-the-world]

In route

Flying home after a great vacation. The national parks in Southern Utah/Arizona are simply amazing. Baby boy is a asleep - which is a real hallelujah moment.

10 out of 12 days were amazing. The other two were normal exhaustion/annoying stuff that traveling with three little kids entail.

My parents/Aunt joined for the first 9 days. Having them around always makes it feel more like a real break/vacation. My Mom is so good with all three kids.

Las Vegas - 2 nights. It was the closest airport and weren't excited about putting baby boy in a car after a 5.5 hour flight. The kids loved it. We took the girls to a comedy/magician show that they enjoyed. The pool was huge and three feet all the way across - so perfect for five year olds that are beginnings swimmers.

Valley of Fire. My Aunt's not a hiker and says things like "why would anyone think this is enjoyable, just a bunch of rocks, so much dirt, etc, etc." Which works out fine because any of the kids could go back to the car with her when tired.

St George, Utah - 6 nights - We did a home exchange. Some of the best playgrounds I've ever seen. There were some signs noting private donors. I wonder if it's all of the Mormon money? So many things in Vegas/the parks were free for 5 and under. Which is amazing for us. I feel like in NYC you are lucky if any kid over 1 gets in free to anything.

Zion was an amazing place. Baby boy decided to not sleep the night before. Which left us pretty cranky and not really fit to parent well. My parents/Aunt did a jeep tour while we hiked with the kids. Both girls complained a lot - which is not like them.

Arizona - 1 night - Luckily, my parents had offered for us to leave the kids with them while we drove to Arizona. We did a parents only trip for a more serious hike in Zion then onward to Antelope Canyon/Lake Powell/Horseshoe bend in Arizona. Truly otherworldly. Ate amazing Mexican food and slept in.

Of course, the kids had the time of their lives. Luckily, baby boy was back to sleeping like a charm so I didn't feel too guilty about saddling my parents/Aunt with them.

Did some more local/state park hikes with the kids when we got back. Pretty lake surrounded by mountains. Then an ATV ride with just the girls. As Rebel said "what a wild ride."

Bryce Canyon - 2 nights. What an amazing place. The girls and I did a few great hikes- they were champs. It was snowing. We also went to a country show dinner buffet. The music brought me back to my high school days. The girls were blown away by the idea of a buffet. Their eyes filled with joy when we told them they got to go back.

Unfortunately, baby boy realized he could climb out of his pack-n-play. He screamed bloody murder every time we put him back in. Can't have him bothering the neighbors so we drove him around to get him to fall asleep. I think we realized he's not really ready for hotel stays, yet. Home exchanges/airbnb's make our vacation lives so much easier.

Vegas - 1 night. Up at 3:20am to catch our flight. With flight prices being crazy it was the most affordable. It worked out as the airport was not crowded, I wasn't going to sleep well anyway and baby boy passed out right away. I realized we were going to be zonked when we got home so our sitter is scheduled.

Overall, an amazing trip. Next time I do less moving of places. Def want to take the kids back to Bryce Canyon when baby boy is 4+. So much more to see.

Both our arriving and returning flight has medical emergencies that asked for medical professional assistance. As a student, obviously I'm not qualified. But i don't think I'm going to be when I graduate either. The return flight it was a non-responsive elderly women making odd breathing sounds before we even took off. Her daughter seemed very unconcerned. Another passenger had to alert the flight attendants to stop us from taking off. Apparently the women has been released from the hospital recently and then caught a flu. The daughter tried to convince the flight attendants they could still fly. THEN ASKED IF SHE HAD TO GO WITH HER? How insane is that? Imagine not wanting to get off the plane with your elderly mother who was just non-responsive?

[tirednerd2012]

Barley does not handle Ian being bullied well

“Okay, what’s going on?” Barley asked, walking into his little brother’s room. Ian looked up from his desk to see Barley with his arms crossed. “You’ve been acting weird all week; I want to know why.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the younger Lightfoot said and went back to working on his homework. Barley grabbed his chair and pulled it back. “Barley, I have homework.”

“And I asked a question.”

“And I gave you an answer.”

“You’re lying to me. You’re a horrible liar, I thought you realized that by now,” the oldest said. “You can do anything you put your mind to, but you are not a liar, therefore you suck at it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Ian said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

“Well, it makes being your big brother easier. Come on, Ian, just tell me what’s going on,” Barley said, somewhat pleadingly.

Truthfully, he had been worried about Ian since Tuesday when he came home and went straight into his room and locked the door, but when their mother also voiced concerns to him, he knew something was up. By the time Colt said Ian had been acting weird yesterday, Barley was itching to find out what was going on. His mom said they needed to give the teenager space, but he couldn’t anymore.

“There are some kids at school,” Ian said, after about three minutes of silence.

“What do you mean?”

“They’ve been messing with me. Monday one of the guys shoved me into my locker and threw my books down, then Tuesday a girl asked me out as a joke, and it’s just gotten worse from there. I can deal with a lot of it, but there’s this one kid, Bryce, and he’s not leaving me alone.”

“What has he been doing?” Barley asks. He may be over 18, but he’ll gladly rock someone’s shit for touching Ian. The idea caused his veins to burn with anger. However, he knew he couldn’t do anything without knowing more.

“He just hits me. I tried to stand up to him, but he’s a lot bigger than me and Mom won’t let me take my staff to school.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want to stress you out since you just started your classes.”

“That doesn’t matter. Ian, you know you are far more important than anything to me. Nothing else matters to me besides you and Mom and if you need me-.”

“You can’t drop everything for me, Barley.”

“I’m not dropping everything, but I’m not going to let anyone put their hands on you.”

Ian stopped responding. Barley wished he could figure out what was going on in the younger’s head. Even though he could read him better than anyone else, it was still hard when he shut down. Ian knew how much his brother cared about him and desperately tried to protect him from any and everything, so in return he learned ways to not stress his brother out further. But Barley would rather Ian talk, he was secretly worried for his mother and brother all the time and being in the dark was worse.

“Ian, come here,” Barley ordered and pulled his brother into a hug. There was a moment of hesitation, but Ian wrapped both of his arms around the older and cried in his chest. After they separate, he reluctantly takes off his jacket and reveals several bruises.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Let me take care of it.”

The next day, Barley picked Ian up from school. No one really paid him any mind. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Most people viewed him as a goofy older brother, and truthfully, he liked making people smile and laugh. He wanted people to feel relaxed and safe around him. But Ian’s safety was of top priority, and nothing would get in his way about that.

He found Bryce’s social media and decided he would confront the kid. While Barley was undoubtedly a teddy bear, his appearance made him look intimidating. He promised Ian he wouldn’t hit anyone, but he would scare the kid into leaving Ian alone as a warning. If he ever touched Ian after this again, he would bring hell to the earth for revenge.

5 minutes past after school let out and still no sign of Ian. Barley decided to go into the building. He walked past some students and made his way to the old lockers. It was based on alphabetical order, so he imagined Ian’s locker would be in the same area his one used to be. Sure enough, he saw Ian at his locker, but with Bryce. The kid was taller than Ian and was able to tower over him. He had his hand around Ian’s throat and Barley saw red.

He walked over and physically threw the kid away from the most important person in the world to him. The kid hit the lockers on the other side with a loud thud.

“Barley!” Ian called.

“What the fuck?” Bryce snapped and tried to get in Barley’s face but underestimated his size. His anger quickly faded to fear, and Barley smirked.

“What? Do we have a problem here? Because if you have a problem with my little brother, you have a problem with me,” Barley snapped.

“Barley, it’s okay. I’m okay,” Ian said. The elder glanced over and saw the red marks on Ian’s neck from the guy’s hands.

“I don’t want any trouble,” Bryce said, holding his hands up. Barley went to tower over him, but Ian grabbed his arm. He looked at Barley with innocent, wide eyes he knew his brother couldn’t refuse. Grumbling a curse, the angered Lightfoot backed away.

“Let’s get one thing clear,” he snapped in a tone laced with a deadly promise, “if you ever come near my brother again or anything like that, I’m going to unleash a hell you can’t hope to escape from. Don’t you ever come near him again.”

“Barley,” Ian said again and managed to get them both walking in the other direction.

He came to the school knowing he was going to stand up to Ian’s bully, but seeing how scared he looked and the guy’s hand around his throat was enough to drive him mad. He was still shaking with anger when they reached the van.

“Hey, I’m alright, really,” Ian said, breaking the silence as they drove home. The older Lightfoot nodded.

“Yeah, I know and I’m glad you are, but I just hated seeing that.”

“Well, I’m glad you came,” Ian said. “You stopped it before it got worse, and did you see the look on his face?”

That got Barley to laugh.

“He looked like he was going to piss himself.”

“He might have,” Ian responded, and both wailed with laughter. Barley’s shoulders relaxed and when they arrived home, Ian hugged him immediately.

“I always got your back, little brother. And no one will ever hurt you and get away with it.”

[magnoliapip]

The Storm Inside

Title : The Storm Inside

Book : Open Heart series (Choices - Pixelberry)

Description : Casey has been pushing everyone away and spiraling since the attack on the hospital and her loved ones are concerned.

Pairing : none established  / ambiguous

Characters : Open Heart FMC (Casey Valentine), Sienna Trinh, Bryce Lahela, Jackie Varma, Rafael Aviero, Elijah Greene, Aurora Emery, Kyra Santana, Danny (mentioned), Bobby (mentioned)

Warnings : mention of death, mental health

Prompt : “What’s the weather outside your window doing right now?...”

Casey stared vacantly out the floor length windows into the night sky above Boston from her seat against them on the living room floor. The sky was as clear as could be, a rarity for the area, but in a city as populous as Boston seeing the stars was a gift they were never granted. She stretched out her cramping legs to a different position as she leaned her head and left shoulder against the cool glass.

She looked out of windows with alarming frequency now. She had never really done so before, preferring to always be doing other things. She’d always thought of herself as a social person who enjoyed others company, though she could be either out dancing in a packed club or relaxing away a quiet night in with the same level of enjoyment. Friends and loved ones was all she really needed.

The attack on Edenbrook had changed everything, down to her very bones.

Some days her mood was somber but calm, like a cloudy day. Those were her best days and the ones she liked best. The cloudy days could be darker with threat of rain or lighter with the sun just missing the opportunity to come out. It was the closest to her old self she could feel. Unfortunately for her, those days were not only fleeting and the least common, they were becoming a rarity.

More often, her moods were a range of levels of sadness. All the way from a misting drizzle, enough to coat everything in water and make the air humid, to a torrentially pouring rain. Buckets from heavens and flash floods. The only thing those floods never seemed to leave clean was herself.

Other times she was cold. So, so cold. The best of those days were accompanied with a blizzard. Cold, but manageable with a shovel. On the days  where she left her heart covered in an inch thick layer of ice and brandished her words like weaponized icicles, frigid and sharp, the people around her knew to steer clear. She was getting a little too good and stabbing them where it hurt.

Her worst moods felt like she should alert the National Weather Service. Tornado warnings and hurricane evacuations were a courtesy she never felt up to extending, adding to her already astronomical guilt. Like a twister, she could feel so angry and out of control she would tear through everyone in her path with no regard for who or what was in it. She had hurt people, especially the ones she loved, deeply but couldn’t bring herself to stop. It was like watching her body act with someone else at the controls.

It was just one more thing about herself to hate lately, and it had a long line to stand in.

The weather in reality never matched what she felt inside. It fascinated and disgusted her in equal measure. It had been sunny (mostly) since the funeral. It was repulsive.

Bobby was dead. Danny was dead. Raf had almost died and would have god knew how many long term problems ahead because of the illness. She had nearly died. And the world just kept spinning.

Couldn’t they see? Couldn’t any of them see that she was stuck there in that room. That she had never recovered. That she couldn’t recover.

At first, when her friends had noticed her strange new affinity for gazing outside for hours every night, they tried to pull her away. Distract her with things like herbal teas, chocolate ice cream and support. They tried to shower her with her favorite pastimes from before. They tried dancing around the apartment to silly pop songs and playing video games with her. But they didn’t understand. And they didn’t stop.

So she bit them. Hard.

Now they left her alone.

She was an awful person. She shouldn’t have been allowed to live. Someone should have realized it at the hospital and just let her die.

She could feel the tears well up again, stinging her eyes as her inner clouds started to rain again. The night sky outside stayed perfectly cloudy.

It was going to be a long night.

Sienna stood around the corner, watching her best friend shatter silently, as she had done every night for over a month. She whispered to those behind her, “Don’t you all see? Nothing is helping and she’s getting worse. After the last time she panicked when I reached out, I thought I’d give her space. We all did. But it’s not working. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

The gathered assembly of those in the cramped penthouse hallway who loved a young doctor named Casey watched her crumble, weeping without making a sound...and no one said anything. Some of the smartest doctors in the nation, and no one had an answer.

Not Bryce, who stood off to the side watching the pain on the face of the first true friend he’d made while at Edenbrook. Someone who had looked past the brash, self-confidence he used as a shield. The first person he hadn’t been afraid of discovering his past.

Not Rafael, who stood at the back of the crowd, down the hall, not able to stand to look at the person who made him believe he was worth as much to her as these intelligent, talented and more well off friends of hers. Not as she could no longer see how much she was worth.

Not Jackie, who was used to facing her problems by cackling at them until they scurried off with tails between legs or tearing them out with her teeth. But this was a problem that required delicacy, the type she had been shown by the very woman who now needed it.

Not Ethan, who leaned against the wall as he saw his protégé, the first person he’d ever believed in this much, destroy herself. She had forced herself, her goodness, into his life and helped fix his hurt self. Now it was his turn and he, for the first time, found himself at a loss.

Not Aurora, her rival turned friend who showed her at her loneliest that having friend was worth something after all. Not Elijah, a beacon of positivity who felt entirely inadequate with this situation that left her emotionally impaired. Not Kyra, desperate to find some way to give Casey the support she had given. Not Sienna, whose heart broke as she watched her very best friend, her dolphin, her rock in many ways fall further and further into herself.

Each one of them loved her. Each one of them cared for her. Each of them had a purpose and a reason to be at Edenbrook, but Casey was the glue that had held them all together. That glue, their foundation, was compromised. This time, they needed to find a way to save her. This time, she couldn’t waltz her way into a miracle seemingly handed down by the divines themselves to fix the situation.

Giving voice to their silent thoughts, Bryce whispered softer than before, “She needs us. She has to know it. She has to know we’re here somewhere inside, but can’t ask. Won’t ask.”

“We’ve already lost so much because of the attack,” Sienna said quietly. “We can’t lose her now. I can’t.”

“None of us can,” Rafael replied softly.

There was practically a flashing beacon over Casey’s head, screaming help me please. It was long overdue for them to stop ignoring it. For a few pregnant minutes, they all looked around at each other and back to her. This mismatched band of misfits and nerds, bound this night by their affection for one single woman. They stared at each other, desperate for answers…

Until the one who loved her most went rigid. Then stepped toward the rest, speaking slowly.

“I...may have an idea.”

[BREAK]

Notes : I left the ending open for interpretation on purpose. This story is not intended to be expanded on or have a second part. Y’all can decide who the person who loves her most is (and if that person isn’t presently named in my story, you can put them there yourself :D)

Also, I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to the amazing writers I’ve talking to lately. Due to some truly awful comments and the way they were affecting me mentally, I recently purged all of my works but a few from fanfiction.net, AO3, and here on tumblr. Talking to, interacting with, and just seeing you lovelies in action has led me to believe I should start to do this again. 

Huge shout out to @jerzwriter​ and @lovealexhunt​ for being the lovely souls they are. You may have no idea who I am, especially on this blog rather than my main, but I will never stop being grateful for the positivity you put into the world. Thank you.

[beebubbly]

Meet My MC: Dr Maddie Diaz

Year 1

*rewritten*

Maddie’s Bio

═══════ ೋღ🌺ღೋ ═══════

Book: Open Heart

Full Name: Maddie Grace Diaz

Meaning of Name: Maddie means ‘strength in battle’ and Grace in Latin means charm, goodness, and generosity. In Greek mythology, the name Grace is tied to beauty and joy. The surname Diaz comes from the Latin dies which means ‘days’.

Nicknames: Mads (friends/family) Hermana pequeña- little one (Eddie) Rookie (Ethan), Ads (Bryce)

Personal Motto: “Be who you are, not who the wold wants you to be”

Face Claim: Katherine McNamara

Age/Birthday: 22nd November 1993

Star Sign: Sagittarius

Hair: Long, Wavy. Naturally red

Eyes: Green

Height: 5′6”

Hometown: El Paso, Texas

Education: College; El Paso Community College. Med school; Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center

Occupation: Internal Medicine Intern at Edenbrook Hospital

Family: Helena Diaz (adopted mother) Ramon Diaz (adopted father) Edmundo ‘Eddie’ Diaz (older brother) Christopher Diaz (nephew) Josephina (aunt) Isabel Diaz (grandmother)

Personality Traits: Maddie is resourceful, dependable, and able to think quickly on her feet. She often works well under pressure and is very kind and empathetic.

 ═══════ ೋღ🌺ღೋ ═══════

 Early Life and Education 

Maddie was born in Kansas City, Missouri, and was the only child of Natalie and Evan Grey, who served in the U.S. military. Natalie was a well-established doctor before she moved to El Paso and settled down. Natalie passed away shortly before Maddie’s second birthday and with no living relatives Maddie was given to her mother’s best friend and her family. Maddie was closest to her brother Eddie and Isobel, their grandmother. Isobel strongly encouraged Maddie to become a doctor from a young age as she saw how passionate and caring Maddie was, especially when playing doctors.

As a child, Maddie was extremely bright, and this led her to skipping third grade. When Maddie was seven, her adopted parents threw her a surprise party, which she always rememberers as being one of her best birthdays.

Maddie was popular by both peers and teachers at college, and this led her to being voted student body president

Her photographic memory also made her one of the brightest in her class and she knew all the periodic elements. Her kind nature made her a friend to everyone she met, and it was hard to dislike her. But God forbid anyone who hurt her as they would have to deal with Edmundo who was very protective of his little sister. 

 Med School

Maddie wanted to be a doctor since preschool and practiced medicine by putting bandages on her teddy bears and monitoring Eddie’s vitamins. With some encouragement from her grandmother Maddie was determined to go to Med School.

During Maddie’s four years of Med school her brother and his wife gave birth to Eddie’s son Christopher Diaz- who through complications during birth was born with cerebral palsy.

Maddie took on the role of being Eddie and Shannon (Eddie’s wife)’s rock and when Eddie enlisted into the army and was sent to Afghanistan she filled in the roll of supporting Shannon through Christopher’s diagnosis and hospital trips. 

Balancing Med school and helping to care for Christopher took a lot of effort but Maddie made it work, in the end she graduated at the top of her class and was accepted into a residency at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the East Coast. This meant leaving behind her family.

 Relationship with Eddie

Despite the three-year age gap Eddie and Maddie were very close and had a strong relationship from a young age. Often it felt like it was them against the world, especially when it came to their parents who were overly attentive to them. Maddie and Eddie were not only siblings but best friends. While growing up Maddie and Eddie started a tradition that they would always have a united-front, and promised to look out for each other, they used a pinkie-swear to enforce this promise and to this day it has stuck.

Maddie and Eddie remained close throughout their teenage years and into their twenties, both shared an interest in becoming doctors, and Eddie was very supportive of Maddie and her choice to attend Med school. Maddie was supportive of Eddie’s relationship with Shannon and was his ‘best man’ at the wedding. During Maddie’s four years of med school Eddie enlisted into the army and he stayed in close contact with her, even if they couldn’t see each other as much as they would have liked.

Maddie was more supportive of Eddie joining the army than their parents, but that didn’t mean she liked the idea either. Maddie supported Shannon throughout the pregnancy in place of Eddie’s absence. When Eddie returned for a short while between tours Maddie helped him deal with the nightmares and trauma that came with being in the army.

Maddie and Eddie always faced life together and they support each other on everything they did, so when it came to the decision Maddie would do her residency in Boston Eddie was supportive even if being apart was not an ideal situation- especially when it meant that Eddie, now a single-parent, would have less help. But they both knew it was necessary for her to develop her full potential as a doctor. Eddie couldn’t be prouder of his sister.

 Family Relationship

The Diaz family were close, all pulling together to support each other when they needed- most of the time. Maddie’s parents were too fond of Eddie’s idea to join the army to support his family, this put a strain on all their relationships. Maddie often found herself acting as a ref between the parents and Eddie especially when it came to how Christopher should be cared for. Just before Maddie moved to Boston Eddie informed her that their parents wanted Eddie to place Christopher into their care, permanently, something which he did not agree with. Maddie understood that Eddie was doing everything he could for his son, but he had already missed a lot of his life through his army work.

Maddie moved to Boston and after a few weeks Eddie decided that he and Christopher would follow to be near the family, their aunty and grandmother also lived in Boston. Eddie started a job as a firefighter and despite the long hours he was able to be a better father to Christopher than ever.

 Love Life

Maddie had some romantic experiences, but her relationships often came at the bottom of her list of importance, so she decided to focus on her family and worked towards being a doctor at Edenbrook hospital.

 ═══════ ೋღ🌺ღೋ ═══════

  Facts

Maddie is fluent in quite a few languages. To most people’s surprise English wasn’t her first language- it was Spanish.

On a rainy day, she likes to have a cup of coffee while reading a good book.

Surprisingly has a good singing voice.

Can also play instruments including, guitar and piano

She likes it when someone's fingers are brushed through her hair.

If Maddie were a cartoon character, she would like to be Velma from Scooby-Doo.

She learned how to make ‘Death By Chocolate Cake’ from her grandmother. It is also her favorite thing to bake.

She used to play softball and basketball while growing up.

Enjoys taking photographs in her spare time.

Isobel was the person who gave Maddie her copy of Ethan Ramsey’s book. Maddie     used to borrow the book from the library for her own investigations for the advanced biology class in her senior year in high school, but she always complained that she couldn’t make notes in the book. So, Isobel decided to give her the book as a Christmas present to give her one final push to     convince her to go to medical school.

A/N ~ Sorry for the long post! This is for @openheartfanfics Meet My Mc and About their past event

[dangerousconnoisseurdonut]

Omega Auction of the Century Preview

@jeromiah and @nostalgic90s proposed a most intriguing idea of Omegas being so rare, they are auctioned off, and Bruce would go for a frankly insane amount as he is the most eligible of Omegas around. This is just the start of an idea, but I have to get ready for work and want to know what people think of it so far!

Bruce couldn’t completely withhold his shudder of fear and revulsion as he heard the second Omega on the auction block went for a cool ten million, upped from the eight million the last one went for, simply because the first one had been a male and this one was a slightly pudgy (but not unattractive) female who came from a family of six, so she had a good chance for being a strong breeder. Oh, but how he and Brooke hated being referred to that way; as if they were cows or horses just waiting for a stud to come along. In school, they had both received a lot of flack from their peers, often being referred to as breeding stock or even whores once (Brooke had broken Grace Van Dhal’s nose when she said that). It was only their parents large donations to the school that they had taught them proper courses at all as many just enrolled Omega’s in more simple math courses, home economics, home estate management courses, and the like. When their parents had died, the school had tried to put them in those courses, thankfully their Uncles Lucius Fox and Ed Nygma, with their Alpha Dr. Leslie Thompkins, had simply pulled them from the school and taught them everything they needed to know.

  Sadly, he thought as the third Omega was taken out for the block, it was probably all going to be for naught; rich Alphas and Betas didn’t really care how smart the Omega was so long as they were fertile and not an imbecile as they worried about the child inheriting such a thing (too bad you couldn’t keep stupid Alphas from mating). And, as Bruce was a rare intersex Omega, his fertility was somewhere around 89%, meaning he would probably get pregnant right away when they took him on his birthday and went into Heat. This was one of the reasons he was being saved for last; his high fertility rate combined with his company and his higher than average intelligence made him a very appealing Omega. Combined with the fact his twin sister was also an Omega, Bruce and Brooke could very well break the record for highest auctioned Omega in the United States, possibly all of North America, which was a steep forty million last year when Lex Luthor bought his Omega, a farm boy by the name of Clark Kent. Some people thought he overpaid, until the rumours started circulating that Lex had had a crush on the boy through their high school years, but the boy had largely appeared straight. At least, he thought as the third Omega, a boy that went for only seven million due to him having a scar on his abdomen from when he had needed to have his appendix taken out as well as his sister having had a miscarriage, Lee, Lucius, and Ed would get a large ‘dowry’ for them as the family of the Omega got around 40% of the bid.

 As the fourth, and last Omega before them was hauled out, he bemoaned what they were making him and Brooke wear; all Omega’s had to wear very revealing clothes so as to entice the Alphas into spending big bucks on them. They had originally wanted Bruce and Brooke in something not even a prostitute would be caught dead in; some kind of lacy piece that frankly looked more like lingerie than any type of clothing. But, after a few well placed threats from Ed and Lee, what they was wearing was more fit for a rave or rock concert, but at least it wasn’t entirely see-through. They had put him in tight leather pants, a mesh t-shirt that left nothing to the imagination, and Lee had given him his favourite leather jacket to wear. Brooke was wearing some kind of leather halter top the covered her breasts and did nothing else, as well as a short skirt and fishnet stockings and her favourite knee high boots, all covered by her favourite leather duster. Soon though, he heard the last Omega, a beautiful young girl who came from a long line of strong Alphas and other beautiful Omegas, no Betas found in her family tree, even if her family wasn’t that well off, no doubt they would enjoy the 40% of the twenty million she was just sold for. They were soon being ushered onto the stage, and barely managed to hold in his whimpers as all the men and women in the room were looking at them like they were rib-eyes and they were all starving. Brooke had his hand clamped in a death grip as she looked out as well.

  “And here we have, Ladies and Gentlemen, saved the best for last; twin Omegas, Bruce and Brooke Wayne! The last of the Wayne’s, they actually score high in mathematics and sciences, Bruce is intersex…” Bruce drowned out the announcer as his and Brooke’s ‘accomplishments’ were listed, and took stock of just who was there, and felt more than a little sick at who he saw; crime bosses like Thorn, Falcone, and Maroni were there (God, but he hoped Maroni didn’t win them as the man had four Omega’s already, and more than one of them had been accidentally photographed with shiners). There were creeps like Hugo Strange, who was rumoured to experiment on Betas, and Kathryn Monroe, who was rumoured to be something of a cult leader. Then, there were just straight up assholes like Roland Daggett, an unscrupulous CEO that was suspected of taking several shortcuts to get what he wanted, their old classmate Brant Jones, and the one who made him the sickest of all; Theo Galavan. Bruce prayed to whatever powers were listening that Galavan didn’t get them as he would no doubt dissolve Wayne Enterprises as he despised the Wayne’s, and it had been all Thomas, and later Lee, could do to keep Galavan away from Bruce and Brooke when they were younger.

  “Shall we start the bidding at $500,000? Thank you, Mr. Daggett, that’s $500,000 to start us off.”

  “$550,000!”

 “You insult the pair, Salvatore! $750,000!” Bruce was pretty sure that was Carmine Falcone, and prayed that either they were going to be the old man’s, or his son Mario, who was said to actually be rather kind, as opposed to the daughter Sofia; word had it the woman was a straight up whack-job.

 “You both insult such fine specimens; $1,000,000!” Hugo Strange bid, and Bruce quickly hoped someone outbid the man quickly as he was losing feeling in his hand due to Brooke’s squeezing.

 “$1,500,000!” Bruce saw another acquaintance, Tommy Elliot enter the ring, and really hoped he had matured some since he punched his lights out.

 “$5,000,000!” Please, God, no was all Bruce could think as Galavan threw his own hat into the ring.

 “$6,000,000!” Bruce was both relieved someone outbid Galavan, but also a little disturbed as it was Kathryn Monroe who bid; he had nothing against older women taking younger lovers (he refused to call them cougars as he found it offensive), but it wasn’t really his thing and besides which, while he may be bisexual, he largely swung for his own team.

 “$10,000,000!” Bruce looked up at the familiar voice and saw Barbara Kean and her partner Tabitha Galavan had just thrown down a substantial gauntlet, and he wondered why as not only were Barbara and Tabitha lesbians, they had two Omegas already, and one Beta; his friends Ivy Pepper, Bridgit Pike, and Selina Kyle. He figured this way, he would carry the pups and they wouldn’t have to worry about it. They were probably his and Brooke’s best hope as they would be with their friends and while Barbara could be a little intense (and Tabitha was well known for her whip), he didn’t think either woman would be abusive to their Omegas; Selina had certainly never complained about how Bridgit and Ivy were treated.

 “$15,000,000!” Daggett came back into the ring with a strong bid, and Bruce was beginning to feel a little sick as he placed his other hand over Bryce, who whispered a sorry into his ear.

 “$23,000,000!” Bruce was rather surprised when Fish Mooney threw a bid out as the woman was usually too busy to have much to do with Omegas, but among the crime bosses littering Gotham, she was one of the better ones to be owned by.

 “$30,000,000!” Bruce gripped Brooke back as Galavan countered with a number not many would be willing to counter, even for twin Omegas.

 “$40,000,000!” Barbara and Tabitha countered, and it seemed like they were in a vacuum as there didn’t seem to be any noise whatsoever. Bruce prayed that it was too much for Galavan to go above his sister as the announcer exclaimed,

 “We have $40,000,000! Thank you Miss. Kean and Miss. Galavan! Do I have anymore bids? That’s $40,000,000 for the Wayne twins to Miss. Kean and Miss. Galavan going once! Going Twice! Going Three ti-!”

 “$50,000,000!” Bruce was almost certain he or Brooke were going to pass out as they felt the air pressure drop at an unprecedented number, even for a pair of Omegas. He looked out into the audience and saw that many had mentally withdrawn from the battle, and felt his heart sink as he knew not even Barbara and Tabitha would go against such a bid.

 “We now have $50,000,000 to Mr. Theo Galavan! That is a new record! Thank you, Mr. Galavan! Do I have anymore bids? Sirs? Ladies? Well, then that is $50,000,000 to Mr. Theo Galavan, going once!” Bruce prayed anyone would outbid Galavan; he would gladly cover the difference if at least his sister was safe, but none raised their hands.

 “Going twice!” Bruce felt Brooke clutch his shoulder as her own shook with the realization that no one was going to outbid their worst nightmare.

 “Going three times!” Bruce saw Galavan smirk as his dream of destroying the Wayne legacy was about to come to fruition.

 “So-”

 “$98,316,010.99!” Everyone was stunned and swirled their heads, trying to figure out who had placed such an outlandish (and rather peculiar) bid, only to see a man decked out in a tight leather outfit and completely bald; he didn’t even have eyebrows, but all knew who this man was. Victor Zsasz, one of, if not the most, Gotham’s most deadly assassins, the Penguin’s bodyguard and enforcer; a man not to be trifled with under any circumstances.

 “S-sir?” The announcer, who before had been annoyingly enthusiastic about selling off young men and women, was now very scared as the assassin actually walked up on stage with two of his Zsaszette’s as others referred to them, both of whom smiled gently at the frightened Omegas.

 “That, is a joint bid from my boss, Oswald Cobblepot, Jervis Tetch, Victor Fries, Jim Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, and the Valeska twins, Jerome and Jeremiah. They couldn’t decide which one they wanted, so they pooled their resources for the pair of them.” Zsasz explained before he took a good look at the twins and asked,

 “Do either of you feel comfortable wearing that?” Bruce shook his head as Brooke whispered,

 “No, Mr. Zsasz.”

 “OK, we got some clothes in the car you can change into before we leave, make you look less like a pair of hookers and more like a pair of wealthy brats. Unless, of course, someone wishes to bid against the seven most dangerous men in the city?” Zsasz looked out toward the crowd, making eye contact with Galavan in particular, who actually looked to be gearing up to try and outbid the psychopath, when the announcer said,

 “Going once, going twice, going thrice, sold! Sold to -”

 “Just call them the Legion of Horribles; it’s quite the mouthful otherwise.” Zsasz said as he and his girls checked the pair for any bruising or scars, and somewhat surprised to see a few here and there, but they weren’t abuse scars; these were battle scars.

 “Sold to the Legion of Horribles! They just have to do one final check-up and then you can pick them up at the side entrance.”

 “Most valuable darlings in the world, and you make them sound like a pair of cheap hookers, nice.” One of the Zsaszette’s complained before the pair were escorted off the stage.

Please tell me what you think of it so far, as there’s a lot more to come!

[ladybugs-and-black-cats]

Miraculous Holiday Cheer

Christmas is a week away! How did that happen!? So, today, I come with some thoughts about the Miraculous Christmas episode...yes, that one with the songs!

If there’s one thing to know about me first, I’m a dub supporter. I will also opt to watch the English dub of Miraculous, if it’s available (although, I will admit that watching the newest episode premieres in other subs with no subtitles and literally no context, sometimes, is really fun too!). That being said, I’ve only watched the Christmas musical episode in English dub.

So, that brings me to this question...why so much hate and dislike? I mean, sure the voice actors aren’t perfect, but it’s not like they are paid to sing that often. The songs are catchy (I always have them in my head for weeks after watching) and let’s not forget that they are written for a kid’s show, so...yeah, they’re cheesy, but I find that to be part of the appeal.

In an effort to not make this post massively long, I want to share my thoughts on my two favorite songs from the middle of the episode...and yes, I am totally watching them both on repeat as I type these thoughts. How did you guess? 😆

Cat in the Night

Okay, so, admittedly, this is the song that seems to get the most hate from English dub watchers. Purrsonally, I think Bryce Papenbrook did a great job. I mean, he’s even admitted to not being a good singer and struggling with his songs in the episode. You know, the finished product is not terrible. Trust me, I’ve heard worse!

I dig the rock music background in this song. I feel it matches really well for character because his transformation music (at least in this season) was very rock-and-roll too.

Also, can I just say how much I love angry Adrien! Like, there is so much bite in his words, even in song. The range of emotion that Bryce can portray with this character is amazing. (I’m thinking about adding a more in-depth post about this in the new year!)

Speaking of emotion... “Cat-a-clysm...!” How quickly the emotion switches from anger to remorse. I love it! It’s so convenient that there was a standing Adrien Agreste advertisement nearby for Cat Noir to destroy! 😆

“I’m cold and alone. I don’t want to be in pain.” My heart! The sadness in these lines amplified by the emotion in Bryce’s voice. I really just want to give Cat Noir a hug! 😢

The song continues then with Plagg’s song and...I’m sorry, but English dub Plagg is best Plagg! 😆 I love his little voice! (I sense another Tumblr post about English dub Plagg appreciation coming up sometime in the New Year too!)

I know some are hoping that another singer will record the songs for Awakening, but I’d prefer Bryce. He has such a distinct voice that would be really hard to replicate.

The Boy That I Secretly Love

This is admittedly my favorite song in this special...and probably out of any song in this whole series! (Although, I really want a full version of “Big Bang” because that song rocks!)

Before watching this special, I had no idea how great of a singer Cristina is! (Yes, I live under a rock! Shh! 😆) I looked her up on Spotify after this and...wow, just wow!

This song is so great that I can honestly forgive that the translation doesn’t quite match the mouth movements onscreen. It hurts my OCD a bit but the song is so awesome!

I especially connect with the second half of this song (“If you never know it’s true, I’ll be there for you. You’re the boy that I secretly love, but what would you do if you knew what’s true? That’s why I so secretly love you.”) These are the lines that were the most inspiration for me when writing the final chapter of “All I Want For Christmas (Is You)”.

My one complaint about “The Boy That I Secretly Love”...I wish it was much longer! It’s so good and I have to play it several times every time I listen to it. Cristina, could we have an extended version, please? 😆

Final Thoughts

Over a year ago now, I found these songs on YouTube. At the time I was only partway through watching Miraculous for the first time, but my curiosity got the better of me and I watched a compilation video of all the songs from this episode.

I put off watching this episode until I was caught up in the show, since Netflix has it listed separately. Speaking of, why does Netflix speed up “The Boy That I Secretly Love” so much!? Anyway, part of the reason why I put off watching this episode was because I figured I’d seen it. I watched the songs. What more was there? Oh, how wrong I was! There was still enough not shown in between the songs to make the episode enjoyable.

Every time I hear these songs now, it takes me back to the blissful days when I first watched the series...before season 4 came out. And, y’know...I’ve marathoned these two songs so much that now I think it’s time for me to go rewatch the whole episode! Happy holidays and stay paw-some! 🐞🐾

[starshipsofstarlord]

Closeness in a Closet🔥 - Scott Reed x Reader

Summary: Whilst looking for evidence, you and Scott end up in a closet. It leaves the both of you time to mull over emotions as you wait to leave.

Someone had been leaving Clay polaroids. Disgusting ones, that did declare Bryce Walker a rapist, but that was what he was. They were evidence.

"You want me to what?" You asked Clay again, so that you could be sure you heard him right.

Ever since Hannah died, he was willing to go to extremes. No matter who got in the crossfire.

"Stay at school overnight, to see if anyone leaves a photo in my locker again." Why could he not do it?

You hated Liberty as it was, being locked in here when it was dark was not going to help. "You thought it was Reed, so why not just ask him?"

Scott Reed, the jock who hung out with Bryce Walker. He wasn't all bad, but he was a jock nonetheless.

Jocks carried a toxicity with them, wherever they went. Scott was no different. He couldn't be. He was a hormonal teenage boy like the rest of them, thinking with his dick rather than his brain.

"Of Bryce." You finished for him.

"I can't lose the chance of no more photos being left." Clay answered your question, his voice lowered so that this conversation was strictly between the two of you. People at liberty always stuck their noses in places they didn't belong, hence why Hannah was dead. "If it is him, he's scared."

It wasn't a surprise. The Walkers were a powerful family, using their wealth and reputation to bend the rules.

"Scared." You laughed. Sure Scott seemed different, but they were all the same. For all the two of you knew he was a rapist too.

It wasn't like Bryce just allowed goody two shoes' in the clubhouse. Even the mention of that place sent riddled shivers up your spine. "I'll do it, but only to prove you wrong."

If there was anything you loved more than watching the popular sports players getting their asses kicked, it was correcting Clay.

The boy always was so certain on things. But he wasn't right every time. It was impossible to be.

You walked with the boy to the cafeteria, finding Zach, whom you still held a little grudge on considering his previous group, Jessica whom was one of many of Bryce Walker's victims, and Alex, who was still recovering from his suicide attempt.

Everywhere you looked, you saw the effects of jocks. A few tables away, they were seated, laughing their asses off at something that was most likely crude and immature.

Monty clearly was the instigator of whatever joke that had just been made. The guy looked so proud and smug with himself. It was ridiculous.

But Scott wasn't joining in with the amusement. His mouth was upturned a little, but his gaze was wandering around the room, as if he was trying to avoid contact with any of them despite being seated at the same table.

And then his gaze met yours, whip made you whip your head away from facing that direction.

You couldn't have him being suspicious. You had to find out first if he really was the one lending a helping hand.

"Have you done the biology work?" Zach asked you. You weren't sure why he had began to be so interested in you. It was as if he wanted to help you.

"Of course." You smirked, stabbing your fork into the food.

Zach wasn't all bad. Maybe Scott wasn't either. But they still carried the bats on their backs, like scars in their skin. They would always be jocks, no matter how kind or sweet they were.

....

You hid in the girls locker room to avoid the janitors. When the coast was clear you exited, peeking at your phone to keep an eye on the time.

Clay hadn't messaged you. He must have been assuming that you were all good. But you weren't.

You were on edge. There was no one in sight, not that you'd have been able to see them anyway, it was dark. So dark.

As you walked in the hallway, you went into a janitors closet, which you had to pick with your hairpin.

It's not that you wore them, you merely carried them for the purpose of lockpicking alone. Seeing as you weren't all as lucky as Bryce, some of you had to bend the rules yourself to just get by.

And so you peeked through the window, that was fogged with dust, only to see a silhouette wandering in the vacant hall.

Who was it, and why were they coming towards where you were hidden? You could barely see their face, so it must've have been difficult for them to spot yours.

And then the door opened, revealing Scott.

"What the fuck are you doing?" You hissed at him, not sure whether you were asking about the intrusion or the pictures.

He made no attempt to answer just yet, instead he brushed past you, closing the door after he was fully in. "The same as you."

"Well, what do you think I'm doing?" He asked much more kindly than you did.

"I know (Y/N). I heard you and Clay, and I saw him drop one of the photos the other day. I want to know who's leaving a trail of them."

He couldn't be serious. He was the only suspect you had so far, and he was dismissing that it was him.

"Why? So you can secure them for your rapist friend, so that it doesn't go to court and drag the lot of you down?" Your finger prodded his chest, taunting the possible idea.

"I'm not a rapist." His statement seemed sincere. And it was you would've been able to tell if you could see the pain in his eyes.

"Okay." You weren't completely convinced.

"Okay?" He asked incredulously. "I want this all to end, the same as you do."

"Then why do you hang with Bryce and Monty? If they're around, this shit isn't going to have an end." You heaved, angry at the boy. You had been angry at him for so long, it was like you had forgotten who he was.

"Because I'm expected to. I know things and if I left, I'd have to pay a price. A painful one."

"Some friends." You remarked.

"I know that my contact with them is why you never called me back." He was no longer focused on the dirty window, instead his gaze was on you.

"It wasn't just you, so don't be so self centred." You had a life, one that you weren't proud of. But you were changing it all around. Maybe Scott was trying to do the same, but you couldn't be sure.

"I know." He gave you a small, almost guilty smile that was lit by no light. "And now you have to go to court. But you should know that the guys are keeping an eye on you. They're aware you know more about them than you're letting on."

"I saw things Scott. I heard things, and the clarity that they are what they are doesn't make any of it better." Your anger was no longer directed at him. It was instead targeted at yourself. "Monty persuaded me that you weren't interested, that you were just playing with me as if I was some discardable toy. And then he wanted to prove he could treat me better than you could."

Pursing your lips together, you couldn't help but feel ashamed. And to know Monty was still watching you made you want to vomit.

"He didn't -"

"No Scott." You dismissed his idea. "I consented. All that I had felt from the tapes, I needed to let go somehow."

"I'm gonna kill him either way." His teeth gritted together in irritance. He had never been a fan of Monty, but now he resented the guy.

"Don't, unless you want to go to court to." You shrugged your shoulders. Court. You had to go there, explain yourself and your behaviour towards a sweet girl who you had made give up. You should have helped, not the opposite.

"What Monty said, it wasn't real. I really liked you, and he just had to fuck with it."

"I really liked you too Reed." The past tense was in the air but something else made sparks shoot through the presence.

After you spoke, the two of you launched into each other, your lips mingling together, your hands in his hair, ruffling it and his own massaging your hips.

There wasn't anything else that needed to be said. It could all just be made clear with actions. With your bodies and the desire that had lingered in them.

His tongue pressed its way into your mouth, and yours danced with it. There was a sweetness to the passion, as though Monty had never got involved.

"I have to-" You tried to break away, although you didn't want to.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." He told you, going to pull away, but you pulled him back.

There was only a chance you would miss the anonymous suspect. So why not carry on?

Your thumb plucked at the zipped of his jeans, pulling down the metal ridges. He went to pull the denim down further, as you did the same with your own.

Both of your trousers were thrown to the floor, leaving you in your tops and undergarments. In an aroused haze, you removed your underwear and seated yourself onto the janitors trolley, that was pressed against the wall for stability.

Scott came between your legs, nudging his forehead against your own. "Tell me you want this."

He sought confirmation, and so you nodded but that wasn't enough for him. "I need to hear you say it."

"I wanted this since we first started seeing each other." The two of you had never gotten around to it due to the false rumours, but now was the moment.

His hands pushed down his boxers, and he allowed his tip to nudge at your entrance. He slid it into you, staying still for enough time to ensure you were comfortable.

You threw your head back at the sensation of the stretch. This wasn't how you had planned tonight, but you sure as hell weren't complaining.

And then he started moving, which had you stifling your noises. You had to be alert, in case the secret message came by. Even if you were to enthralled in pleasure currently.

"Fuck."

Fuck indeed. For you hadn't noticed the tall inconspicuous boy walking to Clay's locker, slipping in the polaroid and stalking away.

Zach should have known that someone would eventually start keeping watch, but from the whimpers coming through the door, you were clearly preoccupied.

"You feel so good." Scott rocked his hips before he let go inside of you, which made you unravel.

He gave a few more light thrusts before softly pulling out. "So what now?"

Scott scratched the back of his neck, before he helped you redress, and then doing so himself.

"Can I come to your hearing?" It made you Jump. It wasn't what you had been expecting.

"Scott, you said yourself that Bryce is keeping an eye on me. That's not a good idea."

He looked away, but you brought his face back towards yours with a stroke of your hand. "We should play it safe."

"I want to be there for you, because I wasn't with all that happened." He had watched you blame yourself but never comforted you. Now was his chance.

"Fine."

...

Clay stood waiting for you. "Did you see who it was?"

Shit. Why did that have to be the first thing that he asked you?

"No." You dragged the word out. "But it's not Scott."

"How do you know?"

That was something you didn't want to get into details to explain.

[drethanramslay]

Voicemails (Part 2)

Pairing: Ethan X MC

Word count: 6.3K words (damn that's a record)

Catch up here.

MASTERLIST

Taglist: @miyakokurono​ @trappedinfandoms​ @openheart12​ @sekizincimektup​ @junggoku​ @ethandaddyramsey​ @edith-eggs1​ @pixelberryownsme​ @samihatuli​ @loveellamae​ @x-kyne-x​ @paulfwesley​ @zeniamiii​ @binny1985​ @an-urban-witch-ig​ @ramseyegerton​ @noboundariesplease​ @mrsdr-ethan-ramsey​ @newcolonies​ @theodorepjames4 @unluckygs​ @choices-love-affair​ @kaavyaethanramsey​  @caseyvalentineramsey​ @ohramsey​ @virtualrain202 @squishywizardhq​  @junehiratas​ @lilyvalentine​ @nooruleman​ @itsgoingnuts​  @agent-breakdance​ @jamespotterthefirst​ @choicesfanaf​ @humanpokemon​ @temptress-of-death-and-desire​ @ac27dj @rookiefromedenbrook @gaiusimp @theeccentricbibliophile  @oofchoices @hatescapsicum @sanchita012 @edgiestwinter @fabi-en-ciel @mrsdrakewalkerblog @elwetritsche75 @livingpurpose @theraisingrail @drramseysownsme @queencarb​ @andromedasinclaire​ @schnitzelbutterfingers​ (if you want to be added to the taglist, let me know ☺️)

Special thanks to @kittykatchoices​ you are awesome <3

Songs: Based on Rock Bottom by Caro and I have added a few more songs to my playlist which you should hear to enhance the experience.

Forgive me if I make any mistakes

DAY 36 (in Boston, Massachusetts)

Leah trudged down the hallway, sipping on her umpteenth energy drink in that day. Her eyes were trained on the chart in her hand, struggling to read them.

Everything looked bleary from the lack of sleep and her eyes were burning under the glare of the clinical lights. Her entire body was begging for rest but it was as if a switch had been flipped in her brain to ignore it. She ignored her thoughts, her feelings and the ever growing void in her chest.

So is this is how vampires feel, huh? Leah questioned herself, snorting at the poor attempt of a joke. Doing that caused her body to pain.

Pain.

That's all she felt these days. It was initially the pain of a heartbreak and rejection but now, it was just tiredness from the burden of her emotions.

Look at me now... From sunshine I have become a shadow...

Why Ethan?

Why?

Leah was the kind of person who always made fun of the naive girl in a rom-com. Her definition and perspective of love had changed when her mother cheated on her father. She did not shun the idea of being in love, but she was still kind of sceptical about it.

And now that she had a taste of it, she was addicted.

She knew that Ethan returned her feelings. She was not blind and oblivious like him. She could see it in his ocean eyes when they stared from across the room. She could hear it whenever he called her 'sunshine'. She could feel it when his arms wrapped around her as she breathed in his musky cologne, with hints of scotch in it.

They say love is a drug but that's not true.

Ethan is her drug and she craved him.

"Hijo de puta." She muttered under her breathe as she ran her hand through her hair, only to feel her shoulder length locks.

She had cut her hair after her birthday. The entire ordeal had destroyed the remaining sanity in her and she couldn't bear to look at herself. Whenever she would see her long hair, she would be reminded of the times when Ethan would play with them and she would get numb all over again.

She craved change so, she went ahead and cut her luscious, black, waist length locks and added highlights to them. It cost her a bomb but she didn't care.

She didn't care...

That was her mantra now.

She just focused on going through the motions of the day, one step at a time. But often, she found herself stumbling into the pit of self doubt and sadness. Leah knew that she was slipping into depression and that she should do something to change it but... It's addicting. The self wallowing is addicting. The numbness is addicting. The self depreciation is addicting.

She avoided her friends as well but they never gave up on her. Bryce would try to crack jokes and make her smile. Elijah would sit with her and play COD so that she could let out all her anger and sadness by killing some bitches. Aurora and Sienna would force her to eat but whenever they weren't looking, she would give her food to Shawty, their fennec fox. They even tried to provide her emotional support but Leah couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes.

You should count your blessings... Her consciousness nudged her.

The only thing I want to count are the days until I see him.

She felt her phone vibrate and she unlocked it to see the notification but, the photo on her wallpaper made her stop. It made her heart ache.

She had used Ethan's photo as her lock screen. It was one of those many photos she had clicked of him, which Ethan did not find amusing. It was late and she was bored at the medical convention, so she just clicked them for the heck of it. He was annoyed but despite that, he had a small smile dancing on the edge of his lips.

Who would have thought the great Leah would drop down to such low levels of pathetic? She jeered at herself.

Her phone rang again and a name flashed on it. She immediately silenced because she knew that if she were to pick up that call, she would burst into tears.

She had just finished signing her charts when her pager beeped of, signalling that she was being paged by the Chief.

Leah's face scrunched up with confusion as she left the charts at the nurses' station and headed to Dr. Banerji's office.

What did I do wrong? Leah thought to herself as million of thoughts ran through her head, increasing the pounding in her head.

Trying to calm her racing heart she knocked on the open door. Naveen looked up from his desk and a beautiful smile broke on the senior diagnostician's face.

"Ah! Dr. Garcia, come on in. Take a seat." Naveen said with a warm voice as she walked in and took a seat right opposite him. There was a glass facade behind Naveen which overlooked the busy atrium of the hospital.

"You wanted to see me Chief?"

"Yes I did."

"May I know what is it regarding? Because I think that my heart will pop out of my chest with the excessive stress."

Naveen gave a hearty laugh and Leah gave a nervous smile to him.

"No, you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I am giving you a couple of days of holiday for your hard work."

Leah shook her head and gave a fake smile. "Thank you Chief but... I don't need an off. I love my job and saving lives so no need for this special treatment."

Naveen leaned forward on his table and locked his warm eyes with Leah's tired ones. "You deserve it. It's been brought to my notice, that you have been working way too hard."

Leah sat a little bit more rigid, not liking the message behind the sentence. "Isn't that a good thing? And isn't that what Edenbrook wants from their doctors?"

"Technically yes... But we also want our doctors to not burn out."

She clenched her jaw before speaking. "Chief, I am perfectly fine. I am not burnt out and I have been very proactive. My patients are all stable and breathing, I have been even helping with the ER more, so how is all of that an indicative of me burning out?"

"Leah... I see you as my grand-mentee and I know you well. I am coming from a position of concern for you. I can't have you being sleep deprived and malnutritioned. It's not good for you."

Leah's eyes narrowed. "How do you know I'm malnutritioned? You haven't even seen me since the last three weeks. And don't say that my friend's put forth this concern because I know that I have done a damn good job convincing them that I am okay."

Naveen just gave a sympathetic look and it clicked.

Letting out sharp breath, she looked down and straightened her pencil skirt, trying to distract herself from the gnawing pain and the influx of hope.

"He called you... Didn't he?"

Naveen gravely nodded his head. "Yes he did. Leah... Please take the next four days off. It's an order."

Leah nodded her head and got up, stuffing her hands into her coat, so that she could hide her trembling hands.

"Yes Chief."

She was about to walk out when Naveen called out to her. "Leah... If it's any consolation, he is in a terrible state and misses you too much."

"No... that is no consolation." She said steely, her eyes becoming cold.

"Leah, just trust me. Ethan has had a tough childhood which has forced him to grow up too soon. He has never been a normal kid let alone a normal teenager. When kids his age were chasing love, he was chasing books. That's why he is a walking robot with no sense of emotions.

Leah, since you came into his life, you have woken up the parts of him which he has kept suppressed. You have forced him to stop and feel. And it's been overwhelming for him. So, just be patient with him."

Leah didn't say anything. She just turned on her heels and strode out of the office.

As she walked to the locker room, she clenched her fists. She was totally pissed and the need to punch something was becoming unbearable.

How fucking dare he just control my life?!

She changed out of her clothes and stuffed them angrily into her satchel. She picked up her phone and saw a notification.

(1) message Captain

She read the message and she felt a little happy. She loved her dad and since the entire shit show had started, she missed her family even more.

Speaking of shit show...

He eyes narrowed in on Ethan's contact and the momentary happiness was dissipated, and anger flooded her body. Her shoulders tensed and she clenched the phone even tighter. She pressed on the call icon near his name and picked up the phone to her ear so that she could give him the cursing of his life.

After ringing a couple of time she heard his baritone voice flood through the speaker.

You have reached Dr. Ramsey. I am currently out of the country. If it's urgent, please leave a message.

"Ethan Jonah Ramsey! You are a maldito (damned male)! For a man, you are one maricon (pussy) and I swear as the days pass by I am more convinced that you are a bastardo sin huevos (ball-less bastard)!!

How fuckin dare you, you asshole?! I fucking know that you called Naveen to tell him to give me an off. I don't know weather to dance with joy that you heard my voicemails or to kick you in your balls for not responding.

You need to man the fuck up Ethan because I know that you are so fucking strong. I know it so well."

She panted, anger swirling even more in her chest.

"Ethan you need to stop playing the fucking victim. I know that you have had a tough childhood and that really hurt you... But I didn't have it any easier either. I was bullied through out school and my mom used to pimp the fuck outta me. She even cheated on my dad for five consecutive years till I kicked her out of the house."

Tears stung her eyes as she spoke. "But that did not once break my spirit E. I didn't let the damage of my past define me. I focused on redefining myself and I got rid of my bad habits like smoking weed and drinking every alternate day."

"We all got scars and I know that it hurts sometimes. I am not discounting your pain but, if you continue to let it eat you up baby then you will lose yourself to it. And I don't want that for you.

Ethan... You are such a beautiful soul and such a great man who is deserving of the best things in life. You deserve love and happiness. The only thing which is standing between you and all the good things is... Well you.

Stop punishing yourself. Because that is not only going to hurt you, but also the people around you.

You have been so deep in that vicious cycle that you haven't realised that you are hurting me too..."

She sighed as she looked down on her black converse.

"Ethan, emotions are what make us human... You can't run from them forever.

What we have, is so so beautiful... Just come back to me so that I can show you that... Till then, take care, love you and bye..."

DAY 36 (in Tefé, Amazonas)

"Till the take care, love you and bye..."

You have reached the end of the voicemail.

Ethan brought his phone down, guilt and shame swimming in his blue eyes. He knew that it was a dick move to call her superior and get her to take an off but he couldn't bare to see her get weaker and weaker as the days passed.

And the fact that I am the reason behind her sadness...

Ethan pressed his palms against his eyes and applied pressure so as to push back the tears threatening to spill.

He felt so much shame. It coiled around his chest, slowly tightening, choking him.

He didn't deserve her love and he definitely did not deserve her empathy. He did not deserve her kindness nor did he deserve the compassion that she showered his way. She did not deserve to be treated like a doormat or be fucked over by the mixed signals. If he truly loved her he would leave her behind and move on with his life.

But he is selfish.

He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her in the arms of another man. The thought made him want to punch the closest thing to him. He looked down to stare at the wallpaper of his lockscreen.

It was one of the many impromptu pictures he had clicked of her. Most of the ones he had were when she wasn't looking his way but this one, was one of the rare ones where she stared at the camera. A beautiful dimpled smile stared back at him, her hair covering half of her face.

God, she is beautiful with a divine soul.

I don't deserve her... But I want to be hers...

He took the stationery out and with a heavy heart, proceeded to pour out all his regret and shame on to the coffee stained paper.

DAY 45

After numerous sleepless nights Ethan knew that if he didn't sleep, he would surely collapse.

So bidding his colleagues adieu, he went to the motorcycle parked in the makeshift parking lot.

He had recently learnt how to drive a bike and now he somewhat related to those motorbike junkies.

It was an exhilarating experience. The breeze whistling through his brown wavy hair, the feeling of the sun shining on his face and to hear the roar of Amazon as he rode down the roads was intoxicating.

He felt the most at peace when he rode the bike. The hum of the engine beneath him would lull him into a state of calmness and it's only during those times, his mind would wander to Leah.

He would often think about how much Leah would enjoy pillion riding. He could imagine her having this wide grin on her face and her arms wrapped around his lean waist. He could imagine her hair billowing behind her in wild waves and the sun would make her skin glow with a caramel hue. She would giggle as the wind tickling her face.

These thoughts were what kept him sane, and gave him something to look forward too. He knew that it was ironic but he just couldn't help himself.

It had been a month since he had last seen her and he missed her so much.

The sun had set and Ethan parked his bike near the B&B he was living in. After taking out the keys from the ignition, he climbed the steps leading to the reception. He gave a nod to the receptionist and trudged to his room, tiredness making him hunch as he walked.

As he stepped into his room, he started stripping till he was in his underwear. He headed to the bathroom to get fresh, his body on auto pilot. His brain felt like mush and his eyes were bloodshot red.

I need a scotch... He thought to himself. In the last month, all the pubs and restaurants were closed so he couldn't go anywhere to get a drink. He was stressed and tired, both emotionally and physically.

He sighed and headed to his bed, stark naked. The moment his head hit the pillow, he passed out, slipping into a deep slumber.

He was so deep asleep, that he didn't hear the sound of his phone ringing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunshine streamed through the sheer curtains, illuminating the room in a soft glow. The reflection of the river casted shadows on the walls and the birds chirped a happy tune, to signal the start of a new day.

Ethan started waking up gradually, feeling much better. He felt well rested and his back wasn't killing him anymore. He stretched, the muscles of his abdomen and back, contracting and relaxing, as he got rid of the lingering sleep.

He sat up and his eyes landed on his phone. Picking it up he started checking his notifications as he headed to the washroom to start with his morning chores.

There were a couple from the hospital, updating him about the patients. None of them were dead so that's a good thing. He saw messages from his dad and Naveen but his eyes narrowed in on a particular name.

Leah🌞 (1) voicemail (10) messages

That's new. Ethan mused as he brushed his teeth. He pressed the play button and kept the phone on speaker.

"Heyyyyy Ethannnn." Leah slurred and Ethan's eyes widened.

"What's up duuddddee? How is it hangin' man? It been so long since I have spoken to you and no this...this 'voicemails' don't count because you aren't replying to me."

A short pause followed before Leah spoke up over the music. "Do you hate me? Like I need to know. I need ANSWERS. Am I that revolting that you had to run thousands and hundreds of miles away from me? Is it because I snort when I laugh?"

Her voice cracked towards the end before she snorted.

"You know what? You are one grade A pussy. Yes, you heard me! Inserts the 'Why are you running?' meme. I don't think you would understand that context because you are an anormal. I- I don't understand this running business. I show you affections you run away. I compliment you, you run away. I have sex with you, you run away. Maybe... Maybe I am the dumbass here?

Tbh, I have no fuckin' clue!!

And I am here all alone in this... Dive in bar or whatever the fuck this is, and the guys have just been flirting with me. And they should because I am a motherfucking goddess!! Like have you see my ass? Wait, you have whoops... but the point is, whenever they walk up to me or- or buy me a drink my dumb brain goes on to analyse how they can never compare to you.

So thanks bro, you fucked me up real good!"

Leah laughed so hard and worry churned in his chest.

She blew a raspberry. "Ethan, idk man you suck. Like so bad...or should I say good? I am confusion at this point. When I am sober, I miss you so so much. So I decided why not forget by getting completely and utterly wasted. But... Now I am drunk and I miss you more and none of my friends are here to save me from my phone so sorry, if I said somethings that I meant, 'kay?

I honestly though that loving you would be easy but... I don't feel like loving you anymore. But that's the thing about love... You can fall in love easily, but getting over someone you love could take foreverrrr.

So, don't worry bro. It's not like I am getting over you anytime soon and I am not running away anywhere. Can't say the same thing 'bout you though...

Anyways, it is 3 am and I see Bryce coming... So fuck you man. You missed out on your one shot at love and I hope you be alone for the rest of your life. Peace out, chinga madre!"

The voicemail ended and Ethan stood in shock.

I don't feel like loving you anymore...

You missed your one shot at love...

Those words cut so deep into his heart. It was painful and Ethan had to grip the counter. He could feel his heart shattering and tears threatened to spill. Those words hurt, it felt like a stitch tearing or a punch in the gut.

Ethan was never one to be affected by words. But these ones stung him.

So this is how Leah felt when I ran away...

As Leah says, I am a dumbass.

Ethan reached for the tap and splashed water on his face and wiped his hands before opening the messages.

Leah... I may be an asshole but I will always want to be your asshole.

That come out wrong.

Fuck.

Ethan shook his head and sat on the desk, scratching his beard and thinking of what to write in his response.

DAY 50

Ethan took his stethoscope from his ears and smiled at the child. "You are getting strong Julio."

"So I am killing all the bad germs?" Eyes filled with curiosity looked up at him.

"Yes. You are just like spiderboy, killing all the bad guys."

"It's Spiderman Dr. Ramsey!!" The boy exclaimed.

It's the same thing! But, Ethan knew better than to bring it up. He had learnt his lesson with Leah and her obsession with Marvel.

"Okay, okay, spiderman. Just a another week of rest and medicines and you will beat all of the bad boys like him."

"But the medicine is so yucky..." The 4 year old scrunched his face up and crossed his arms.

"I know the medicines taste bad so I have something for you for being a good boy."

"Really?!" He asked gleefully.

Ethan dug into his coat and took out some lemon candy. "Here Julio."

He squealed and took it. "Thank you!!"

He felt his phone ring in his pocket and he took it out to see. When his eyes landed on the notification, his face morphed into a grin.

Leah🌞 (1) missed call (1) voicemail

"Who is that?" Julio looked over Ethan's hand to look at the phone. Ethan looked at the kid and saw him staring at the wallpaper of his lockscreen.

"That... That is a girl."

"Even I can see that Dr. R." The kid rolled his eyes and studied Leah's picture with utmost concentration. "Is she your wife? Or your girlfriend?"

Ethan choked and covered it up with a cough. "Um... nothing of that sort. She is just a girl, who I miss a lot."

"But she must be something you, no? If you miss her so much?" Brown eyes twinkled as he looked up with innocence in his eye.

"She is my Sunshine." He shrugged as he ruffled Julio's hair. "But enough worrying about me. Be a good kid and don't bother your mama, Julio." Ethan started walking out if the room.

"Sim! Also, luz solar (your sunshine) is so pretty." The boy called out to him.

Don't I know that?

Ethan shook his head, smiling to himself as he walked up to the nurse's station. He disposed his gloves and sanitized his hands before taking his phone out. He walked to the near by supply closet so that he could hear the voicemail without any disturbance.

"Hey Ethan... Well the last voicemail was a disaster, wasn't it?" Leah nervously chuckled over the line.

"Please don't hate me. I tried to apologise through the messages. And I know you read them because I saw the bubble with three dots for half an hour. So, if you think you are sneaky, then you need to work on your skills old man." She chuckled and Ethan chuckled at the comment.

I could never hate you sunshine.

"I am actually doing so much better now. I think I just needed to get wasted... Have a good cry... And curse you out or something. No offense.

I have been listening to so many songs and I relate to them at a spiritual level. Everything sounds like a love song now. It's a real dilemma whether to dance or cry to them.

Also, Sienna has been such a huge help! Naveen told her whatever happened and she is so supportive... We watched trashy romantic movies and ate so much ice cream. My dad also it's going to come in a couple of days so... Maybe he will give me advice?

So things aren't as hopeless as they were a week ago.

I mean, it still hurts but it doesn't rip me apart everyday. I still hate you a little but, my love overpowers it. It's a war everyday but I try to beat down the sadness everyday."

Ethan felt so proud of Leah. She just needs to be reminded how strong she is and she will annihilate all her demons.

"I am gonna be honest... Your tactic of running away isn't going to make my feelings less for you, because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Like right now, I am witnessing Zaid feeding Ines cake. It's their anniversary and they are so in love that I feel like an outsider.

I mean I am in love but, the love of my life isn't here. So... Yeah.. I miss you right now... But, I have a strong feeling that our relationship is a unique kind, Y'know? Our relationship is so deep rooted and emotionally strong, that it can survive numerous storms.

We are so beautiful and so strong together... 

I am just waiting for the day when you realise that E.

And when you realise, I hope you come back to me."

Ethan brought his phone down, heart filled with so much love for this woman. He is aware of the feelings he had for her and he could have said those three words easily. But, deep down he knew he wasn't ready.

He wasn't the man she deserved yet. He had way too many demons of his past and in order to be with her, he had to face them and this time, he would do it the right way.

So with a bitter sweet feeling and courage, he got up and went back to work.

DAY 53

"Doctor, the gymnasium lot of patients are responding positively to the new vaccine." The young intern spoke excitedly.

"That's good. And have we finished the inoculation procedure for ward 314?"

"Yes doctor."

"Excellent work, Dr. Santos." Ethan nodded before looking down at the charts. It was mid afternoon and the sun relentlessly beat down on his back, making his sweat excessively.

He was standing outside the make-shift tent near the gymnasium, going through the charts. He was posted in the hospital, on the other side of the city usually but they swapped him to work at the gymnasium for today.

He could see so much joy and happiness in the recovered patients as they embraced and kissed their loved ones. It was a harrowing period for them and being apart for two months can really be lonely. He saw the young lovers kiss and hug each other tightly.

Will this be me and Leah when I meet her again? Ethan wondered as his eyes dropped down to the sheets of papers in his hand.

"Ethan! Glad you could join us here." Dr. Batra said with a soft smile.

"Hello to you too Dr. Batra."

"I have told you numerous times to call me Neelam. We have worked and fought an epidemic together so you can call me by my first name."

"Sorry Neelam, force of habit I guess."

"How are you since I last saw you? Have you been eating? Have you been sleeping?" She asked, her eyes critically observing him, like a mother does to her child.

Ethan was not familiar with the concept of maternal love. He found it foreign but at the same time, it helped a little in filling the void in his heart.

"Yes Neelam. I have been taking care of myself."

"And how about your, jaanu?"

"Jaanu?" Ethan asked inquisitively as he turned his head to look at her.

"Jaanu in hindi means love of your life." She said with a sly smirk playing on her lips.

"Good god." He groaned and stuffed his face even more into the charts, feeling his cheeks burning up.

"She is fine." He muttered out.

"Sorry, I couldn't hear that."

Ethan narrowed his eyes at her and she just gave a toothy grin. "I said that she is doing fine. As fine as she can be." He felt a tinge of guilt flare up in his chest.

"Ethan... Don't feel guilty. If she truly loves you, she will understand." her face full of empathy.

"That's the problem!! I have been nothing but a fucktard and yet she shows me empathy and loves me unconditionally. I feel so damn guilty and I hate myself for hurting her."

"Ethan, I have said this before and I will say it again. I can see how much you love her but, how will you return all that love if you can't even love yourself?"

"Love myself? Where is that coming from?"

"You put up the 'I don't give a damn about your opinion' vibe but I can see the self hatred in your eyes. Son, you are the thorn in your own path."

"I..." For the first time in a long time, Ethan was rendered speechless.

"Ethan... The first step towards loving someone is loving yourself first. Okay...Imagine that you have a cup. Self love fills half of that cup up and when you find 'the one', it becomes full. It's like a mutualistic relationship, you fill her cup up and vice versa.

Right now, your cup is empty because of the self hatred. And your girl is trying her very best to fill up the void but, she is loosing out on herself while doing that. It's hurting her as well as you."

"So what do I do?"

"You communicate. You talk out your feelings. Have trust in her that when you open up your deepest vulnerabilities, she will accept it and not hesitate to love you. Love is a two way street. You can't expect her to bare her soul if you can't do the same."

"Wow." Ethan's head was full with thoughts.

"Wow indeed."

"Neelam, we should call you the Love doctor."

She gave a tinkling laugh, her dark brown eyes twinkling. "Nah son. I am just a woman who has seen a lot in life."

He was about to respond when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He dug his phone out and unlocked it.

Leah 🌞 (1) voicemail

"Sorry I have to take this." Neelam nodded and he walked towards the deserted park. He sat down on the rusty swing and pressed the phone to his ear.

"Hey... So I told you that my dad was coming to Boston, right? Well, we had a nice chat about us and it's been really insightful.

Needless to say my father said some not nice things and he almost brought an entire squad of marines to beat the shit outta you BUT, I stopped him because as much as you infuriate me, I would like your pretty face intact."

Ethan chuckled as he played with his frayed ripped jeans.

"I told him about how sad I have been and how everything sucks. I even spoke about the happy times when we would solve the various cases together or the times when we would buy take out and pull all nighters. I spoke about my fears and doubts that maybe, just maybe you don't love me. After hearing my rant he told me something that helped erase all the lingering doubts.

He said, "Mija, When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it's worth something." Isn't that true for us?

I can make you so angry that you could put hulk to shame but, I can also make you laugh when you are low. And vice versa! You make me so happy most of the times... when you are not being a colossal pain in the ass."

There was silence on the line, as if she was thinking.

"I think I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt... only more love.

This is just a rough patch but, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just like after a dark storm comes sunshine.

This is just a test for us, to see if we are strong. And believe me, I think we are the unstoppable duo. The diagnostics posse!

And when all this... Haze of doubts was cleared from my mind, I could see clearly. I could remember the promise I made you.

I will be waiting, for as long as you need.

And it's true.

So for now... I will love you through the phone. I will try to make it a point for you to know, that I will never ever stop loving you. I will be there through thick and thin.

Just give me a chance to prove it. Have faith that I will catch you when you fall. Just, come back to me.

I love you...bye."

Ethan stared at his phone for a long time. There were so many thoughts swimming in his head. But one thought just rang wide and clear in his head. Or rather, one word.

Sunshine...

So he sat there, alone with his thoughts until the sun set on him.

DAY 59

"To the best team of doctors!" A thunder of applause ran through the huge crowd as they screamed and shouted with joy.

"Thanks to these geniuses, Tefé is now free of cholera! Also, a huge thanks to the citizens as well. Your support has been so helpful. We are strong together!" The mayor's voice boomed.

We are strong together... You and I. Leah's words resounded in his head as he looked down at his combat boots, arms crossed.

He wasn't paying any attention to the mindless congratulations. His mind was swirling with the thought that within 60 hours, he is going to see her.

He was done with slogging his ass and he was done running. He will man the fuck up, and fix his issues before he asks her out. That's a promise he made to himself.

The gift he bought for her, weighed him down with uncertainty. Whether she would like it or not.

His mind was also going back to last year. The intern year was going to come to an end in two days and Ethan couldn't fathom just how far she had come. Last year, at this time, he met her. If you would have told him that he would have fallen head over heels in love with someone, he would have just admitted that person for LSD overuse. But, now here we are.

Damnn... Its already been a year.

After the thank you ceremony was done, the doctors headed to the pub for a drink. They ordered some local cuisines and a couple of beers to celebrate their win. As much as Ethan enjoyed the smooth scotch running down his throat, he still couldn't keep his mind off their inevitable meeting.

Will she look at me and be angry?

Will she throw a drink on my face? Or kick me in the balls?

Or will she jump into my arms?

Questions... Questions...

By the time they were done, it was almost 2 am. They had an afternoon flight so that was a good thing. He wasn't drunk, but definitely a little tipsy. The last thing he wanted was to nurse a hangover early in the morning that too, on a flight.

After being dropped off at his B&B, he felt his phone vibrate. He saw Leah's name flash and his face scrunched in confusion.

It's late, she should be asleep.

He pressed the button to play the voicemail and Leah's soft voice flooded, making Ethan even more intoxicated.

"Hi... Today it's a clear sky and honestly, it looks so beautiful. The moon is shining so bright and the stars are twinkling. I was brought up in Washington DC and never in my life have I ever seen so many stars at night. It's so breathtaking..."

Ethan headed to the basically and stood outside. He leaned on the railing and looked up and indeed, it was a starry night. It was like diamonds glittering and swaying in the moonlight. And the moon... It shone in its elegance, basking Ethan in its radiance.

Leah chuckled. "I can't believe it's been a year since I became a doctor. A full fledged working doctor. It seems so surreal how this year passed by in a flash. I feel like I have grown and matured, but at the same time I still feel as clueless as my first day of work.

The day I met you... T

o be honest, I expected a grumpy old grandpa as Ethan Ramsey, but I got a handsome, dashing grump instead. I ain't complaining though. It's just...I am in a reminiscing mood."

Don't worry sunshine... Me too.

"Did you know, when we look at stars on a clear night sky we are, in a way, looking back in time? Before you roll your eyes and think this is some philosophical propaganda, there is a perfect logical explanation to it. What we see today is an object whose emitted light started its journey millions of year back and from trillions of kilometres away and are reaching our eyes now.

So... Here I am, peeping into the memories of our past. The kisses, the hugs, the love making and the joyous moments we shared. I miss that..

I miss us... I am here, waiting for you.

Come back to me, Ethan."

Ethan replayed the voicemail, as he continued to look at the stars, thinking back to the times when he had her I'm his arms.

Don't worry sunshine, I am coming home.

well, what do you think?

and what do you think will be Leah’s reaction?

a. she will kick him in the nuts

b. she will kiss the fuck outta him

c. all of the above

I hope y'all liked it.. was lowkey nervous bout this fic heheheh

like, comment and reblog ;))